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Today's jokes [3.9.14]

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Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stage coaches and the like were
popular, there were three people in a stage coach one day: a true red 
blooded born and raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city slicker from 
back East, and a beautiful and well endowed Texas lady. The city slicker 
kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll 
give you $10 for a blow job."
The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the 
city slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for 
defendin' mah honor!" Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, 
"Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of a woman in 
Texas!"


1. 




A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe 
stuttering problem.
After a thorough examination, the doctor consults 
with the patient.
Doctor: 'It appears that the reason for your 
stuttering is that your penis is about six inches 
too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal 
cords, and thereby causing you this annoying 
problem of stuttering.
Patient: Ddddd octttor . Whhaaat cccan I 
dddo? (Doctor what can I do?)
The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a 
minute and states that there is a procedure where 
we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by 
removing the six inches from the penis and freeing 
him from this horrible problem.
The patient stuttering badly states that this 
problem has caused him so much embarrassment as 
well as loss of employment that anything would be 
worth it.
The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation 
is a success and six months later the patient 
comes in for his check up.
Patient: Doctor, the operation was a success. I 
have not stuttered since the operation. I have a 
great job and my self esteem is fantastic. 
However, there is one problem, my wife says that 
she sort of misses the great sex we used to have 
before the extra six inches were removed. So I 
was wondering if it is possible to reattach those 
six inches.
The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a 
minute and says:
I dddoonnn?t ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould 
                    bbbbee possssssibbble.

2. 




Mr. Horntoot admitted to his wife that he was feeling much
better since his operation, but couldn't account for the
enormous bump on the back of his head.
"Oh, that," chuckled Mrs. Horntoot. "Just before your
operation they suddenly ran out of ether!" 

3. 




What did Chelsea say when Hillary asked if she had sex yet?

"Not according to Dad."

4. 




A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers:
"I can lick any man in the place!"
The nearest customer looks him up and down,
then says: "Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your
first time in a gay bar?"

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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