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Today's jokes [3.8.14]

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A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo.
They are standing in front of the big silver
back gorillas cage, when one woman makes a
gesture that the gorilla interprets as an
invitation. He grabs her yanks her over the
fence and takes her to his nest in the pen.
There he ravishhes her and makes passionate
love to her for about 2 hours till he is
tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital. 

Her friend visits her the next day and asks" 

Are you hurt?" 

She replies. Of Course I'm hurt, He hasn't
called! He hasn't written!

1. 




   There is a pit-bull, bull-dog, and a black lab all locked up in the
   local dog pound. The pit-bull decides to speak freely and says, "Ya
   know, it wasn't my fault I bit that kid's head off. Them kids have
   been throwing rocks at me for years and I just couldn't help but jump
   the fence one day and go after them. Now they are going to put me to
   sleep."
   
   The bull-dog speaks up and says, "I'm in for a similar incident. My
   master just wasn't paying any attention to me since that stinkin baby
   came along and one day while it was crawlin around on the floor I bit
   its leg off. Now they are going to put me to sleep too."
   
   Both the pit-bull and bull-dog look at the black lab and ask, "What
   are you in for?"
   
   The lab replies, "Well the other day my master's lady was walking
   around the house naked all day long cleaning the house. When she went
   into the bathroom and bent over to clean the tub I just couldn't take
   it anymore. I came up behind her, put my front paws on her back and
   mounted her."
   
   The pit-bull asks, "So when are you due to be put to sleep?"
   
   And the lab replies, "Oh, I'm not in to be put to sleep, I'm just in
   to have my nails trimmed and groomed."
   


2. 




What is the last thing to go through the mind
of a mosquito when it hits your windscreen?

It's ass.

3. 




   
   A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her
   first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another
   woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her
   sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds:
   Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me,
   and is good in bed.
   About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a
   man with no arms and legs on her front porch.
   "I'm here about your ad," he says.
   "You must be mistaken," she says.
   "Let me explain," he says. "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms.
   And I can't run away because I don't have any legs."
   "But," she asks, "How do I know you're good in bed?"
   "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"


4. 




Why does the University of Tennesse football
team wear orange to all their Saturday games? 

     So that they can wear the same outfit to go
     hunting on Sunday, and to work on Monday. 

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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