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Today's jokes [3.7.14]

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During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy
back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a 
red faced colonel at the wheel.  "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked
the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the
keys, "*Yours* is."

1. 




    Build an Ark

   The Lord said to Noah, "In six months, I'm going to make it rain until
   the earth is covered with water and all the evil is destroyed. I want
   you to build an ark and save two of each animal species. Here are the
   blueprints for the ark."
   Six months passed. The skies began to cloud and rain began to fall.
   Noah sat in his front yard, weeping.
   "Why haven't you built the ark?" asked the Lord.
   "Oh, forgive me," said Noah. "I did my best, but so many things
   happened.
   "The blueprints you gave me didn't meet the city's code and I had to
   change them. Then the city said I was violating the zoning ordinance
   by building an ark in my front yard, so I had to get a varience..
   "The Forest Service required tree-cutting permits, and I was sued by a
   state animal rights group when I tried to gather up the animals.
   "The EPA required an environmental impact statement concerning the
   flood. the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood
   plain.
   "The IRS seized all my assets, claiming I was trying to avoid paying
   taxes by leaving the country, and the Equal Opportunity Commission
   said I wasn't hiring enough Croatians.
   "I'm sorry, Lord, but I can't finish the ark for at least five years."
   Suddenly the rain stopped, the skies cleared and the sun began to
   shine.
   Noah looked up and said, "Lord, does this mean you're not going to
   devastate the earth?"
   "Right," said the Lord. "The government already has."


2. 




A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He 
inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to
go to 225 West 42nd St. 
By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St, the office of a podiatrist. Being 
met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him. 
She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone 
would be with him soon. 
He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really 
getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house 
offered. 
Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and 
found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand. 
"My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot." 
"Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take 
my business elsewhere."

3. 




A decorated war veteran, fresh off the bus, is looking for a place to 
stay. He hears that room and board is available from the three old 
spinsters at the edge of town, but is advised they are very picky in 
letting strangers stay there.  He decides to chance it, and limps on up to 
the front door.
His knock is answered by Gladys.  "What do you want, sonny?" she asks him.
"Ma'am, I'm just looking for a hot meal and a room for the night," he
answers.
The other two old spinsters gather around the door.  "Who's out there? 
Does he look decent?" they ask.
Gladys says, "It's a soldier, and he's got a Purple Heart on."
The other two spinsters giggle and say, "The hell with what color it is...
let him in!"

4. 




Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes,
and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them
in the dark until they mature into something you'd want
to have dinner with.

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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