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Today's jokes [3.31.14]

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This young lady, a flighty young thing, got a job cleaning the bank windows
in the evening after the bank closed for business. Anyway, she was up this
ladder, cleaning good and proper and as she was in the habit of wearing no
knickers, every young man who would come along would stop and stare for a
second or two. But this evening an old geezer came along and stayed
looking.
"What are you looking at" she said.
"I'm looking at the moon" he said.
"Well, if you were here last night, you would have seen a man in it" she
said. 

1. 




How does a women hold her liquor?

By the ears.

2. 




   Three lawyers met at an upscale nightspot for drinks one Friday night,
   got real plastered and met with unfortunate results on their way home.
   On Saturday, they were comparing notes during a round of golf.
   
   Lawyer 1 said he had gotten so drunk that he became disoriented and
   was very sick. When he arrived home he said that he was in such bad
   shape that he even blew chunks.
   
   Lawyer 2 said he thought he had an even worse experience. He lost
   control of his new BMW and totaled it by driving it into a utility
   pole. Fortunately, he wasn't injured in the crash.
   
   Lawyer 3 claimed his experience was the worst. He said when he got
   home his girlfriend was so pissed at him for being out late that she
   started throwing things at him. She totally destroyed a Ming dynasty
   vase that had an appraised value of over a half a million dollars.
   Then she went into the garage and started up his new Ferrari after
   dumping sugar in the gas tank.
   
   Lawyer 1 was standing there just shaking his head and crying
   uncontrollably. The other two asked him what was the matter. He said,
   "You guys just don't understand - "Chunks" is my dog!"
   


3. 




"Doctor, I need your help," the woman says. 
"What seems to be the problem?" 
"My husband just doesn't satisfy me sexually. What can I do?" 
"Hmmm. That's a bit out of my league. Has HE seen a doctor?" 
"Yes, he has. He is perfectly OK. He just isn't enough for me. You've 
got to help me!" 
"Er ... Why don't you take a lover?" 
"I have! I still don't get enough." 
"Take another lover." 
"I did. In fact, I have eight lovers - and I still don't get enough sex!" 
"Gosh, that's an anomaly." 
"Oh, Doctor! Please tell them it's an anomaly! They all keep telling me 
I'm a whore!" 

4. 




What do you do if your bank account stops working?

Throw the guy out of the house.

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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