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Today's jokes [3.29.14]

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At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded 
to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any 
basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average. 
Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office, 
followed by one of his star players.

"You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won't 
win this weekend without him!"

"I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand at 
this college."

"What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded.

"I'll show you what I mean," the dean said. He turned to the 
basketball player and said, "Tell me,how much is six times 
seven?"

The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, "Thirty- 
one?"

The dean turned to the coach and said, "I rest my case."

"Oh, come on now," the coach said. "Why are you making 
such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one."

1. 




There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half-an-hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the
drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying.  The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was
just joking.  Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see
a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life.  First, I
overslept and was late to an important meeting.  My boss, outrageous,
fired me.

When I left the building to go my car, I found out it was stolen. The
police, said they could do nothing. I got a cab to go home, and after I paid
the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab.
I got home only to find my wife with the gardener. I left home
and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to
my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."

2. 




Q: Why do women wake up with a brain the size of a pea?
A: It swells up over night.


3. 




   A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to
   find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles.
   
   A drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells
   her, "I love a woman that does aerobics."
   
   The woman replies angrily, "I don't DO aerobics!"
   
   The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, "Then how did you get
   your leg up so high?"
   


4. 




The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a
policeman ran up to help. "My mother-in-law just tried to run
me over!" the shaken man told the cop.
"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could
you tell it was your mother-in-law?"
"I recognized the laugh!" he replied.

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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