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Today's jokes [3.28.14]

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This is, like, so dumb...

Instructions on how to Colect a Beaker of Cat's Urine

   1.Treat the beaker like your most prized possession.

   2.Solemnly intone the word "no" every time the cat
     approaches the beaker. 

   3.After completing steps #1 and #2, leave the cat alone
     with the beaker for thirty seconds. 


Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks.  Then 
they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to 
eat.  The owner became quite concerned and marched over and 
told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders 
and then exchanged sandwiches.


Q: How do Catholics separate the men from the boys?
A: With a crowbar. 


What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving?

Perfect setup for skeet shooting.


Only in America...

   Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an
   Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a
   skating rink...
   Only in people order double cheese burgers, a large fry,
   and a diet coke...
   Only in banks leave both doors open and then chain the
   pens to the counters...
   Only in we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
   driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
   Only in we use answering machines to screen calls and
   then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
   want to talk to in the first place...
   Only in we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
   packages of eight...
   Only in we use the word "politics" to describe the
   process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning
   "blood-sucking creatures"...


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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

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