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Today's jokes [3.16.14]

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The newlyweds showed up at the hotel and asked for the honeymoon suite.
"Do you have reservations?" asked the desk clerk.
"Only one, " replied the groom, "she won't take it up the ass."

1. 




What did the priest say to the nun when he screwed her?

"The holy pole is in your hole so wet your ass and save your soul."

2. 




Good News, Bad News, Worse News V
 
  Good: 
        You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
   Bad: 
        She keeps interrupting
 Worse: 
        With corrections

3. 




A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something
about his girlfriend being out in the car.
The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. 
When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his 
girlfriend going at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and 
walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good 
idea to check on his girlfriend.
The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend
entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the
bartender asked.
"That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's 
me!"

4. 




   Version 1.
   
   This butcher lived in an apartment over his shop. One night he was
   awakened by strange noises coming from below, so he tiptoed downstairs
   and saw his 19-year-old daughter sitting on the chopping block and
   masturbating with a liverwurst. The butcher sighed and tiptoed back to
   bed.
   
   The next morning, when a customer walked in and asked for some
   liverwurst, the butcher said that he didn't have any left. The
   customer was really annoyed, she pointed to the corner of the shop and
   asked, "No liverwurst? Well, what's that hanging on the hook right
   over there?"
   
   The butcher frowned at her. "That", he replied, "is my son-in-law."
   


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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