Today's jokes [3.15.14]
Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes.
Also, links to joke categories and "Email Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.
An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair
of glasses. The Captain looked in his book of record and said,
"But you just got a new pair last month!"
"Yes sir, b.. b.. but I got them b..broken in an accident,"
stammered the private.
"Accident, what kind of an accident?" The Captain looked in his
book of Accident definitions and glossaries, "Road-march
accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, Drill accident?"
"No, no nothing of those..." said the private.
"Well then, what is it?"
"I'd rather not tell you sir..."
"Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses," said the
medical officer, ready to stand up, "I've to see my patients
"No, no sir wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girl,"
blurted the private.
"Don't be daft man, how could you break your glasses kissing
"You see, she crossed her legs....."
Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord
himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven.
"Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked.
"I could eat," said Seymour.
The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it.
While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed
the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka.
The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he were hungry, and Seymour
again said, "I could eat."
Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour
noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy, and
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened.
Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to be be in heaven as a
reward for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to
eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't
"To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two people, does it pay
A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic of
the lecture, and on to his favorite subject: the evils of marijuana.
Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors, "Used regularly," he
explained, "pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and
"Now wait a minute, professor," interrupted a student. "Castration?
"Yes young man, it's sadly true," replied the professor smugly. "Just
suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!"
A farmer and his girlfriend were out for a stroll
in the fields when they came across a cow and a
calf rubbing noses.
"Boy," said the farmer, "that sure makes me want to
do the same."
"Well, go ahead," said his girlfriend. "It's your cow."
The success of the "Wonder Bra" for under-endowed women, has encouraged
the designers to come out with a bra for
It's called the "Sheep Dog Bra"...
It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.
Today's StoriesToday's PoemsToday's QuotesToday's Funny Pic
S M T W Th F St
3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10 11 12 13 14 15 16
17 18 19 20 21 22 23
24 25 26 27 28 29 30