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Today's jokes [3.14.14]

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What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness and an atheist?

Someone who knocks on your door for no reason whatsoever.
If God is dead, then what are they giving out at communion?

1. 




A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her 
first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She 
replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will 
childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy 
to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!" 

2. 




The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail
all day. When they had stopped to take a rest Tonto
placed his ear to the ground and listened. 
"Buffalo come," remarked Tonto. 
"How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger. 
"Face sticky." 

3. 




Tith the sun beginning to rise, the cabin of the jetliner was suddenly 
illuminated. "Who turned on the fucking lights?" a male passenger, who had 
been surly since boarding, snarled at a stewardess.
The girl had had enough of this particular character. "These are the 
breakfast lights, sir," she answered with forced sweetness. "The fucking
lights are much dimmer, and you snored right through them." 

4. 




The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and in
less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the "other man".

The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the
scene. Being a man of the 90's and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like
manner.

He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:

     Sir,
     It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my
     wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday
     next.

The "other man" was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent off the following reply at once:

     Dear Sir,
     I have received a copy of your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the
     scheduled conference in your Office's auditorium. 

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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