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Today's jokes [3.11.14]

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Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a man 
away?

1) Get away or I'll call the police!!!
2) I love you and want to marry you and have your children.

1. 




Why does a blonde have curtains on her PC?

To open windows

2. 




Monica Lewinsky's tell-all book about her affair with the U.S. President
has, for one Winnipeg Chapters outlet, not sold all that well after its
first day on the shelves, as reported by CBC Radio News.

To draw attention to the book, or to perhaps add some perspective, the
Lewinksy book had three other titles surrounding it on its display:

"Divorce for Dummies"
"100 Ways to Leave Your Lover"
"How to Remove Stains"



3. 




Whats the difference between a blond and a Mosquito?

The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.

Sent by Chris

4. 




OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books.  Simply cross
out the names and address of people you don't know. FOOL other drivers into
thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote
control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting
the curb. LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna.  I found
that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in
only 2 days. AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned
to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. NO TIME for a
bath?  Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it
off. SAVE ON BOOZE by drinking cold tea instead of whisky.  The following
morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full
of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. RECREATE
the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the
bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it,
before jumping in.

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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