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Today's jokes [3.1.14]

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I just pulled one on somebody -- I slipped some of those anti-
shoplifting strips into the lining of the victim's favorite
jacket.  I was set to pull another one, but didn't get the chance
- to cut out a silhouette of a gun from metal and hide it in a
piece of carry-on luggage.



1. 




Does DEC still make toasters...? They made good toasters in the '70s, didn't they?

2. 




The doctor comes out of the delivery room and says to the father, "I'm 
sorry to have to tell you this, Mr. Jones, but apparently your child was 
born with no arms, only one leg, and teeth that project six inches out of 
its mouth."

Mr. Jones cries, "My God!  What will we do with such a deformed baby?"

The doctor says, "Use it as a rake?"



3. 




Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet screams past 
them.
One eagle says to the other, "Wow, did you see how fast that thing was 
moving?" 
The other replies, "Yeah. You'd move fast too if you had three assholes 
and they were all on fire!" 

              

4. 




One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below 
sea level.  He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he 
had on no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 feet, but the guy joined him a 
few minutes later. The diver went below 25 feet, but minutes 
later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he 
took out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote, "How the heck 
are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had 
written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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