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Today's jokes [2.3.14]

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What does Bill say to prospective interns?

"Haven't I cum across your face before?"

1. 




Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady
of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of
agitation. "Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this!"

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, " Now just calm
down and tell me what has you so excited?" "Well, father" the nun
began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I
heard some of the older boys wagering money!"

"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest. 

"But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun,
"it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a
contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!"

"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?"

"Well, I hit the CEILING, father."

"How much did you win?" 

2. 




A bloke wakes up in the middle of the night and rolls over and shoves an 
aspirin down his wife's throat. All of a sudden she wakes up and yells, 
"What the fuck are you doing?"
"Just giving you an aspirin for your headache." The bloke answered.
"But I ain't got a headache," she yelled back.
"Good then, Lets fuck!" said the bloke.

3. 





Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the
middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and 
grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the surface. 
After floating under blazing heat for 6 days they ran out of food and 
water.  On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst 
and  starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in 
the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an 
oil lamp (the kind the genies come in).
They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. "POOF" out popped a tired old
genie who said "ok.. so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, 
yadda, yadda. But hey, I've been doing this 3 wishes stuff for a long 
time now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys get only ONE 
wish and then  I'm OUTTA here. Make it a good one". The first guy, 
without hesitation or thought blurted out, "Give us all the beer we 
can drink for the rest of our lives!!!" "Fine" said the genie, and he 
instantly turned the  entire ocean into beer.
"Great move Einstein!" said the second guy, slapping the first guy 
in the head. "NOW we're gonna have to piss in the BOAT!"


4. 




Q: Why did the Jews wander in the desert for forty years?
A: Somebody dropped a shekel.

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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