Today's jokes [2.26.14]
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What is the similarity between a woman and a washing machine?
They both leak when they're fucked!
What's long and hard and excites a girl when
she's finally lucky enough to get on it?
The road to success!
So the doctor tells the patient he's got only six months to live.
But the patient doesn't pay his bill on time, so the doctor gives
him another six months.
One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly
drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was
followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then
about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Dave went up to the man
following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My
wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?"
"My dog bit her and she died." Dave then asked who was in the second
hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as
well." "Can I borrow your dog?" "Get in line." replied the man.
A man goes into a pet shop that advertises "unusual pets" and tells
the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
The owner says, "How about Phil, the dog?" The man replies, "Come on,
a dog can't do everything."
The owner says, "How about Miriam, the cat?" The man replies, "No way!
A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do
everything, damn it!"
The owner thinks for a minute. Then says, "I've got it! ... Charlie,
the centipede! HE can do everything. But it will cost you."
The man says, "Charlie, the centipede? ... I can't imagine a centipede
doing everything but ... okay, if you guarantee he can do everything
... I'll try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says, "Charlie, clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate.
All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away.
The countertops cleaned. The appliances sparkling. The floor waxed.
He's absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, "Charlie, go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has
been vacuumed. The furniture cleaned and dusted. The pillows on the
sofa plumped. Plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the
most amazing thing I've ever seen. This is a pet that really can do
He sits down to watch a little TV, turns to the centipede and says,
"Charlie, run down to the corner and get me a newspaper, please."
The centipede leaves. 10 minutes later ... no Charlie. 20 minutes
later ... no Charlie. 30 minutes later ... no Charlie.
The man is wondering what's going on. The darn centipede should have
been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later ... still no
The man can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run
away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is Charlie?
He goes to the front door, opens it ... and there's Charlie sitting
right outside the door. The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you out 45
minutes ago to run down to the corner and get me a newspaper. What's
The centipede says, angrily, "Hey, man, cut me some slack here, will
ya? I'm still putting on my shoes!"
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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