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Today's jokes [2.25.14]

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This wife has been married for seven years and has six kids
and is tired of being pregnant. So, she goes to talk to her
priest, the priest tells her to go and by a ten gallon bucket
and stick her feet in it of a night, she thanks him and goes
off to do as he says.

Well six months later the priest sees her and sure enough she
is pregnant again. The priest asks her if she followed his
instructions, she said yes but that she could not find a ten
gallon bucket so she bought two five gallon buckets. 

1. 




Have you heard about the new orgasm pill just approved by the FDA for women?
It comes with a 16 inch applicator 



2. 




We've been married a little over four years, and we just celebrated our "Wooden Anniversary."
Yeah, I asked my wife to blow me, and she wouldn't.

3. 




It's Christmas time and Paddy and Shaun decided to go look for a Christmas 
Tree. They gathered their axe, a sled, and a broom to brush the trees off 
so they can get a good look at them. When they finally reach a fine stand 
of trees, Shaun brushes off the first tree, and stands back with Paddy to 
look at it. "Well, Paddy, What do you think?"
"Sorry, Shaun, this tree won't do. Let's try another one". They come upon 
another nice tree, Shaun brushes it off, and they both look at it. "How 
about this one, Paddy?" "Not quite, Shaun. Let's keep looking".
This goes on until nightfall. Both Paddy and Shaun are cold, tired, and 
hungry. "Well, Paddy, what do we do now?" "Shaun, I think we should take 
home the next tree we find, whether it has lights on it or not..."

4. 




Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were
in  danger of being boarded by a pirate ship.  As the crew became frantic,
the  captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the
captain put on and led  the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.
Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were 
repelled.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels
sending boarding parties.  The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm
as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"  And once again the battle was
on, however, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding
parties,although this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting
the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, 
"Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give,
exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the 
wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."
The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn
came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 
10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.  The men became silent 
and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.  The 
Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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