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Today's jokes [2.23.14]

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   A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint
   the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and
   gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught
   about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts
   on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
   
   When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show
   their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything
   like this before?"
   
   "Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed like that."
   


1. 




A strained voice called out through the darkened
theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!" 

Several men stood up as the lights came on. 

An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her,
"Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in
a date with a good, Jewish girl?"

2. 




An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a 
car pulls over next to him. 

"If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a 
piece of candy." 

The boy refuses and keeps on walking. 

A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man 
driving the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces 
of candy?"

The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking. 

Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. 
"OK," he says, "this is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all 
the candy you can eat." 

The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he 
says to the driver. "You bought the Chevrolet, Dad. You'll have 
to live with it!"

3. 




A prostitute goes to the hospital to visit a colleague who is about to 
have a heart transplant. She's worried about the friend so she asks the 
doctor: Girlfriend: I'm worried about my friend doc, what if her body 
rejects the organ?
Doctor: Well she's 36 years old and healthy. How long has she been in 
business?
Girlfriend: She's been working since she was 19 years old but what does 
that have to do with anything?
Doctor: Well she's been working 17 years and hasn't rejected an organ yet!

4. 




    A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their
   25th anniversary.
   "HA," he snorted, "The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you
   can grow hair on your chest!" On that she hikes up her skirt, drops
   her panties, and thrusts her pubic area forward. "There! I have hair
   on my chest, now buy me a fur coat." "That's not your chest!" he roars
   back. "Damn right it's my chest," she argued, "Before we got married,
   this was your hope chest. On our honeymoon, it was your treasure
   chest. Afterwards it became our family chest. AND IF YOU DON'T BUY ME
   A FUR COAT, IT WILL SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!"


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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