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Today's jokes [2.19.14]

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An aging hooker volunteered to give the novice a few tips on the art of 
fellatio. Satisfied that she had perfected the basics, the old pro asked 
the beginner if she had any questions.
"Well yeah. I was wondering how long dicks should be sucked."
"The same as the short ones, honey." 

1. 




Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried 
to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with 
friends and relatives.  His father tried every way possible to get 
Johnny to occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework, 
video games...but the youngster insisted on running back and 
forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.

The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to 
quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle 
stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the 
room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without 
Johnny, and without comment the game resumed.

For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be 
seen and the card players continued without any further 
interruptions.

After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, 
"What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a 
peep from him all day!"

"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to
masturbate."

2. 




The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

3. 




Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are hiking. They hiked all day long and
then, having gotten tired, unpacked and quickly retired.

Holmes wakes up deep into the night, wakes Watson and says "Watson, do you
see the bright stars and do you notice how clear the sky is? What can you
deduce from it?"

Watson yawns and tries to play the game. "Well, this clearly tells us the
weather tomorrow is going to be dry and sunny."

"No, my friend. It's much simpler than that. Someone has stolen our tent."

4. 




A divorced woman had been on her own for several months and was
starting to get extremely horny. She went to the grocery store and while 
there starting eyeing the bag boy. On the way out to the car she decided to 
make her move. Leaning over to the boy she whispered," You know, I've 
got and itchy pussy...." 

The boy replied, "Well you're gonna have to point it out, ma'am, all 
those Japanese cars look alike to me!"

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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