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Today's jokes [2.18.14]

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When a man takes off his pants in a hotel room,
what's the first thing to hang out?

The DO NOT DISTURB sign!

1. 




What is the meaning of life?

All evidence to date suggests it's chocolate.


2. 




Understanding Your Paycheck



GROSS PAY: $1222.02

INCOME TAX      OUTGO TAX       STATE TAX       INTERSTATE TAX  COUNTY TAX
  244.40          45.21           61.10            5.89           6.11

CITY TAX        RURAL TAX       BACK TAX        FRONT TAX       SIDE TAX
  12.22           4.44            1.11            1.16            1.61

UP TAX          DOWN TAX        KNICKNACK TAX   HACKENSAC TAX   THUMBTAX
  2.22            1.11            1.98            3.93            0.98

CARPET TAX      SNACK TAX       SURTAX          MA'AM TAX       PARKING FEE
  0.69            8.32            3.46            3.46            5.00

NO PARKING FEE  F.I.C.A.        T.G.I.F.        LIFE INS.       HEALTH INS.
  10.00           81.88           9.95            5.85            16.23

DISABILITY INS. ABILITY INS.    LIABILITY INS.  DENTAL INS.     MENTAL INS.
  2.50            0.25            3.41            4.50            4.33

FUNDAMENTAL INS COFFEE          COFEE CUPS      CALENDAR RENTAL FLOOR RENTAL
  0.11            6.85          66.51              3.06           16.85

CHAIR RENTAL    DESK RENTAL     UNION DUES      UNION DON'TS    CASH ADVANCES
  4.32            4.32            5.85             3.77            0.69

CASH RETREATS   OVERTIME        UNDERTIME       EASTERN TIME    CENTRAL TIME
  121.35          1.26             54.83           9.00            8.00

MOUNTAIN TIME   PACIFIC TIME    DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME   TIME OUT
  7.00            6.00                 4.44               12.21

OXYGEN          WATER           ELECTRICITY     HEAT    AIR CONDITIONING
 10.02          16.54             38.23         51.42        46.83

MISC
169.24


TAKE HOME PAY: $0000.02



3. 




Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag
at you, what have you done wrong? 

A: Made her chain too long. 


4. 




Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders
mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" 
"They're mating, Lucy" he replied.
"What do you call the spider on top Daddy?" Lucy asked.
"Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs.
Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a
Mommy Longlegs?"
Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat.
Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!!"

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD




Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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