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Today's jokes [2.16.14]

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Benefits of having Alzheimer's:

   You can wrap your own presents.
   You are always meeting new friends.


Q: What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.


   A Guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says, "I bet $50 that
   no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play."
   The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old
   guitar. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and
   starts playing the guitar. The octopus' owner pockets the fifty bucks.
   The next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens
   up the keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy
   hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus' owner.
   The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back,
   coming back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm.
   He puts them on the bar and says to the guy, "Now if your octopus can
   play that I'll give you a hundred dollars."
   The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over,
   and has another look from a different angle. Puzzled, the octopus'
   owner comes up and says, "What are you pissing around for? Hurry up
   and play the damn thing !"
   The octopus says, "Play it ? If I can figure out how to get it's
   pajama's off, I'm gonna fuck it! "


A woman visits her physician. After waiting for a while it's finally her 
turn. She enters the doctors' office and sits down. The PhD asks her: 
"Well, what can I do for you madam?".
The patient blushes and the PhD sees that apparently she is embarrassed so 
he says: "You can discuss any matter with me, everything is strictly 
So the patient says: "My husband complains that my pussy smells bad, is 
there a cure for this?"
"Sure", the doctor says, "It can be a fungus, or a little infection, 
nothing unusual, please undress and lay down, so I can examine you and
prescribe a treatment."
The woman undresses, gets up the bed and with her legs spread waits until 
the doctor attends her. He comes in, walks towards here, starts gasping 
for air, covers his mouth and nose with a hand and runs out of the office. 
After a minute or so, he enters again, covering his mouth and nose with 
one hand an a 7 feet wooden stick with an iron hook on it in the other 
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaagh, what will you do to me?" shouts the patient.
"Nothing", says the doctor, "I'm just going to open the roof window a 


A man answers the phone and has the following conversation: 
"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most 
difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard.
Well, you know how she is.  
"Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that 
she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and 
you begged me not to marry her.  
"You were perfectly right.  
"You want to speak with her? All right."  He looks up from the 
telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:  
"Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"


BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD

Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

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