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Today's jokes [2.15.14]

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A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office
worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy,
and LeRoy," she answered.
"They're all named LeRoy?" he asked  "What if you want them to
come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all
come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

1. 




Did you hear about the welfare doll?

You wind it up and it doesn't work.


2. 




How do you get an elephant into the fridge?
1. Open door.
2. Insert elephant.
3. Close door.

How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?
1. Open door.
2. Remove elephant.
3. Insert giraffe.
4. Close door.

How do you know there are *two* elephants in your fridge?
The door won't close.

How do you know there are *three* elephants in your fridge?
There'll be one waiting outside in the Mini.

How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge?
By the footprints in the butter.


3. 




Q: What do you have when you have two green balls in your hand?
A: Kermit's undivided attention.


4. 




Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,

Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering 
I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice 
holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along 
my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my 
grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They 
look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.

Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the
freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried
Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a
good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over
again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would
have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of
my haemorrhoid surgery, has she?

Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating
off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used
to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the 
frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about 
sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive 
family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling 
grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the 
black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.

Merry Christmas.

Love, Mom

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD




Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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