Today's jokes [2.14.14]

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A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in 
the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The 
bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's 
too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. 
"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the 
Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being 
cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we 
can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We 
have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss 
the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone 
who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

God, I was  wondering...how long is a  million years to you?"
God answered, "Son,  a million years to me is like a second to you."
So the man asks, "God  how much is a million dollars to you?"
And God  answered, "Son a  million dollars to me is like one penny to 
you."
So the man asks, "God, can I have one of your pennies?"
And God  answers, "Just a  second son."

Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool. 
When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other 
and said: "Did you notice the small dongs on the rich kids?"
The other answered: "Yeah! It's probably because they have toys to play 
with!" 

Her father was very angry when he heard that his twenty year
old daughter had hitch hiked all alone, all the way from San
Francisco to Washington. 

"For gods sake!" he screamed, "Someone could have attacked you
and raped you!" 

"I wasn't ever in no danger at all", she said, trying to calm him
down. "As soon as someone gave me a ride, I said I was going to
Washington, because thats where they have the best treatment for
sexually transmitted diseases." 

What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

1 U.S. leader 

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