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Today's jokes [2.11.14]

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An elderly man tells the Doctor he is planning on marrying a women of 30, 
and would he have any suggestions.
"Yes," says the Doctor, "I would advise you to take in a boarder."
A year later at his 80th year check-up, the Doctor asks how everything is 
going. He says fine his wife is pregnant.
The Doctor remarks: "so you took my advise and took in a boarder?"
"Yes I did, is the reply, and she's pregnant also....."


Why do female parachutists wear tampons?
 So they don't whistle on the way down...


A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends
 $5,000 and  feels really great about the result. On his way home
 he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to
 the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you
 think I am?"  "About 35," was the reply.

 "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

 After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order
 taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".

 "I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.

 While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same
 question.  She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is
 going. But when I  was young there was a sure way of telling a
 mans age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes
 I will be able to tell your exact age."

 As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let
 her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady
 says,  "OK, it's done. You are 47."

 Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

 The old lady replies, "I was in line behind you at McDonalds."


During the World War II, an American warship was attacked by 
the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a 
hit seemed inevitable. So the captain told the navigator to go 
down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something - at 
least they would die laughing. 

The navigator went down and said to the crew, "What would 
you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my dick 
against the table?"

The crew burst laughing. So the navigator pulled his dick out 
and whammed it on the table. Just when the dick hit the table, 
a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were 
the captain and the navigator. 

As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked the navigator, 
"Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?" The 
navigator told him.

The captain replied, "Well, you better be careful with that dick 
of yours. The torpedo missed!"


   Charlie was in a bar and three babes came up and started hitting on
   him. He asked if they
   wanted to come over to his house later. They agreed to come over at
   after they went home
   and got ready. Charlie had a friend who worked in a drugstore, so he
   went to see him. He
   asked his friend if he had anything that would keep him hard all night
   long. The man
   laughed and handed him a bottle of pills instructing him not to take
   more than one. Once at
   home, Charlie figured with three women he should take three pills, so
   he gulped them
   down. The next day Charlie showed up at the drugstore to see his
   friend. Asking for some
   liniment, he showed him his dick which was ripped to shreds. In
   disbelief, his friend asked
   if he was sure that he wanted to put liniment on his dick. Charlie
   replied "No,I need it for
   my arms the women never showed up!"


BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD

Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

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