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Today's jokes [2.1.14]

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An old retired man goes to his wife one day, and says to her, "I 
don't know how to tell you this dear, but the stock market 
crashed, and I'm afraid we're broke."

The wife says, "No, we're not. Let's go for a drive into town."

Husband replies, "Our savings are all gone and you want is to 
go for a drive? Oh well, whatever. I guess you're crazier than 
me." So off they go into town.

When they get there the wife points and says, "See that office 
building? We own that."

Husband thinks his wife is nuts so he mumbles something 
unintelligible and drives to the next area of the city, which just 
happens to be the richest part of town.

Wife says again pointing, "See those five houses? We own 
those."

Husband is now sure his wife is certifiably crazy so he says, 
"What makes you think we own all this property?"

Wife replies, "Remember when we first got married and for 
jokes you would give me $5.00 every time we had sex? Well, I 
kept the money and invested it and 20 years later this is what 
has become of it all. Not bad, eh?"

Husband says, "Dammit woman, if I'd known you were this 
good with money I'd have probably given you all my business."

1. 




   A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling
   a little frisky,
   reaches over and gives his wife's breast a little feel and
   says,"Mother, if this could give
   milk, we could get rid of the cow." His hand then travels down to her
   crotch, and he says,
   "Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."
   His wife then reaches
   over and grabs his penis. "Father, if this could stay hard, we could
   get rid of your brother.
   


2. 




It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of 
corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. 

"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in 
with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up." 

"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think 
Pa would like me to." 

"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted. 

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't 
like it." 

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better 
now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." 

"Don't be foolish !" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, 
where is he?" 

"Under the wagon."

3. 




How did the blond break her leg while raking leaves?


She fell out of the tree



sent by Chris

4. 




Q: What do you get when a blond stands on here head?
A: A smelly burnette.

Sent by Tiffany

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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