Today's jokes [1.5.14]

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This one New Yorker married himself a southern gal and 
brought her to the big city for the first time. When they first 
arrived he got them a hotel room and as they were laying in 
bed she looked over in the corner and saw a discarded 
condom, "Oh yuck!!" she proclaimed as she ponted it to her 
new husband

As he craned his neck to see what it was he looked at her and 
asked "What they don't use those things where you come 
from?" 

"Yeah," she said "but we don't skin 'em!"

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and
civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control
tower in the middle.  One day the tower received a call from an
aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.  If it is an
American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock.  If it is an Air Force,
it is 1500 hours.  If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.  If it is
an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 3.  If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday 
afternoon."

A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother says
your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she
say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a
   few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to
   handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem:
   she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species
   available.
   
   While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed
   Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now
   Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female,
   and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they
   might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the
   female gorilla. So he was approached with a proposition: would he be
   willing to screw the gorilla--for five hundred bucks? Mike replied
   that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over.
   
   The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer,
   but only under three conditions:
   
   "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I
   want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this
   union."
   
   The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what
   could be the third?
   
   "Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with
   the five hundred bucks."
   

A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle
of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?

     The conductor. Business before pleasure. 

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