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Today's jokes [1.29.14]

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Q: What's the most active muscle in a woman?
A: The penis.

1. 




Clinton died and was standing at hte Pearly Gates.  After 
knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes 
there?" inquired St. Peter.

"'It's me, Bill Clinton." 

"And what do you want?" asked St. Peter. 

"Lemme in!" replied Clinton.

"Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on 
earth?"

Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana 
but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I 
guess I had extra-marital sex -- but you shouldn't hold that 
against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I 
lied, but I didn't commit perjury."

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, 
here's the deal.  We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, 
but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period 
of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't abandon all 
hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to 
freeze over."

2. 




Q: What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.

3. 




An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked 
when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her 
at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex 
again -- the strain would be too much. 
The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny 
over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs 
on the couch to guard against temptation. 
This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other 
on the stairs -- she's coming downstairs, he's heading up. 
"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. 
"I was about to commit suicide." 
"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming 
upstairs to kill you!" 


4. 




A man walks into a doctor's office with a frog stuck to his head.
Doctor: How did this happen?
Frog: It started with a bump on my ass.

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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