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Today's jokes [1.28.14]

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Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recently
divorced mother her age? She told him that was not a question
to ask and that he shouldn't ask it again.

He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that she
wouldn't answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again.
The next question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced.
Once again, she told him that it was not a question he should ask
and to not ask that question again. He went away.

A few minutes later, she found him digging in her purse. She asked
what he was doing and as he turn toward his mother, he beamingly told
her he had found all the answers to his questions by looking at her
driver's license.

He said, "Mother, you're 34 years old, weigh 125 pounds and Daddy
divorced you because you got an 'F' in sex." 

1. 




A Frenchman was arrested and charged with having sex with a dead woman. 
"How do you plead?" asked the judge.
"Guilty or not guilty."
"Not guilty," replied the man.
"On what grounds?" queried the judge.
"I didn't think she was dead....I thought she was an American."

2. 




For all animal lovers out there:

How do you make a cat go 'woof'? 
Soak it in petrol, and set it on fire. 

and...

How do you make a dog go 'miaow'? 
Freeze it in liquid nitrogen, and run it through a bandsaw...

3. 




   This guys is sitting at the end of a bar. Each time someone comes in
   the door he says,
   rapidly,"Tickle your ass with a feather?" At which point they usually
   ask him what it was
   he said, and he then says, "Terribly nasty weather." They then go off
   looking confused. A
   drunk a few stools down observes this and finally says, "Say, buddy, I
   see what'cher
   doin'-- you're putting people on! When somebody comes in the door you
   say, Tickle your
   ass with a feather, and when they say, What did you say to me? you
   say, terribly nasty
   weather." So the guy says to the drunk, "Yeah, it's fun putting people
   on. Come on down
   here and you do the next one that comes in." The drunk moves down to
   the end of the bar.
   In a few moments a person enters, and he says to her: "Stick a feather
   up your ass? She
   said, excuse me, what did you say? He says, can you believe this
   fucking weather?
   


4. 




   A man and his dog walk into a bar for a drink. The bartender sees the
   two and immediately decries, "Sorry sir, no dogs allowed in this bar."
   
   The man turns to the bartender and explains that this is no ordinary
   dog but a dog that likes to go down on women. The bartender notices
   the dog is quite mellow and doesn't feel like arguing with the man so
   he lets them stay.
   
   The waitress hears this and approaches the man telling him she would
   like to see this for herself. He agrees and she says, "I'll go
   upstairs and you send up the dog in 5 minutes."
   
   The man does and about 15 minutes later she comes back down angry,
   telling him the dog had just lain there doing nothing. The man replies
   that this has never been the case before, and offers to coach the dog,
   to which she agrees.
   
   They both go upstairs and she undresses and he tells the dog to do his
   thing and once again, the dog just lays there.
   
   The man looks over at the dog and says, "alright but I'm only gonna
   show you one more time.........."
   


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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