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Today's jokes [1.23.14]

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One Friday afternoon two women are sitting on the front porch. 

The first woman says, "Here comes my husband with a bunch of flowers.
That means I'll be on my back with my legs in the air all weekend." 

The other woman asks, "Why, don't you have a vase?" 


This male prostitute contracted syphilis.

He did okay for a while, but then his business dropped off.


Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie,
each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, 
just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men 
before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."
The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking
down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a
rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit
its head off, and sucked the venom down in one gulp. And I'm still here
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his 


The Pentagon decided one day that there were to many 

Generals, so they decided to offer early retirement to 

three of them.  They called Congress and asked them to vote

on a method of determining each General's early retirement

bonus.  After voting Congress decided that each man would 

choose two points of their body to measure between and then 

each man would be paid $10,000 per inch.

    They called in the first General.  He decide to have

them measure from the top of his head to the bottom of his

feet.  Upon measuring it to 6 feet, they paid him $720,000.

    The next General, thinking a little bit more, stretched

his arms above his head, and asked them to measure from the

tips of his fingers, to the bottom of his feet.  After 

measuring 8 feet, they paid him $960,000.

    The next General, with a smug look on his face, asked 

them to measure from the tip of his penis to the bottom of

his balls.  Congress decided to call in a medical officer.

The medical officer asked the General to drop his pants.  

The medical officer lifted the General's penis to make the

measurement, but instead he exclaimed, "Good God man, where

are your balls!!"  With a smile the General said, "I left 

them in Vietnam."

Sent by Sparky and Wife


A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's 
couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an 
actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary 
and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a 
sales clerk and I failed at that, too."

The shrink thought for a moment and said... "Everyone needs 
to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"

The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful 
breasts, points it at the shrink, and says... "Well go ahead, I'll 
give it a try!"


BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD

Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

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