Today's jokes [1.23.14]
Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes.
Also, links to joke categories and "Email Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.
One Friday afternoon two women are sitting on the front porch.
The first woman says, "Here comes my husband with a bunch of flowers.
That means I'll be on my back with my legs in the air all weekend."
The other woman asks, "Why, don't you have a vase?"
This male prostitute contracted syphilis.
He did okay for a while, but then his business dropped off.
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie,
each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why,
just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men
before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."
The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking
down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a
rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit
its head off, and sucked the venom down in one gulp. And I'm still here
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his
The Pentagon decided one day that there were to many
Generals, so they decided to offer early retirement to
three of them. They called Congress and asked them to vote
on a method of determining each General's early retirement
bonus. After voting Congress decided that each man would
choose two points of their body to measure between and then
each man would be paid $10,000 per inch.
They called in the first General. He decide to have
them measure from the top of his head to the bottom of his
feet. Upon measuring it to 6 feet, they paid him $720,000.
The next General, thinking a little bit more, stretched
his arms above his head, and asked them to measure from the
tips of his fingers, to the bottom of his feet. After
measuring 8 feet, they paid him $960,000.
The next General, with a smug look on his face, asked
them to measure from the tip of his penis to the bottom of
his balls. Congress decided to call in a medical officer.
The medical officer asked the General to drop his pants.
The medical officer lifted the General's penis to make the
measurement, but instead he exclaimed, "Good God man, where
are your balls!!" With a smile the General said, "I left
them in Vietnam."
Sent by Sparky and Wife
A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's
couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an
actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary
and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a
sales clerk and I failed at that, too."
The shrink thought for a moment and said... "Everyone needs
to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful
breasts, points it at the shrink, and says... "Well go ahead, I'll
give it a try!"
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.
Today's StoriesToday's PoemsToday's QuotesToday's Funny Pic
S M T W Th F St
1 2 3 4
5 6 7 8 9 10 11
12 13 14 15 16 17 18
19 20 21 22 23 24 25
26 27 28 29 30 31