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Today's jokes [1.22.14]

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Q: How did Captain Hook die?
A: Jock itch.


1. 




A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and 
announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas 
baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds.
"WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar.
Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender
recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby 
that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh 
now?" 
The proud father answered, "10 pounds."
The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some 
weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty 
pounds, didn't he? What happened?
The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"

2. 




The barber was finishing a haircut on a customer one day
and started to apply some 'Aftershave Lotion' around his
ears when the customer yelled, "Don't put that crap on me!
My wife says it smells like a French Whorehouse!"

Another customer who was waiting replied, "Hey John, you
can put the 'Aftershave Lotion' on me... My wife has never
been in a French Whorehouse!" 

Then the fun began... 

3. 




WASHINGTON, DC - Frustrated by failed attempts to turn 
public support away from the president, congress today 
announced it would begin releasing completely fabricated 
documents and videotapes on Monday.

Speaker Newt Gingrich addressed the press at the Capitol this 
morning. "We feel that with the release of all the documents 
from the Starr Inquisition, and the public still supporting the 
president, we need to take further steps in our neverending goal 
of overturning the 1992 and 1996 elections. 

On Monday morning, we will release a diary of President 
Clinton's in which he claims to have had dinner with Adolf Hitler, 
Ayatolla Khomeni and Saddam Hussein, and later slept with 
them in the Lincoln Bedroom. He also claims in the diary, 'Meat 
is murder, I am a communist, Die Capitalist Die!' We will also 
release a doctored videotape showing the president strangling a 
litter of small kittens."

A CNN/Newsweek poll following the press conference showed a 
slight rise in the president's approval rating.

4. 




How did Revlon come up with it's brunette hair color?

By studying what oil spills did to seaweed.


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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