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Today's jokes [1.20.14]

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What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling 
your name?

You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

1. 




What did the redneck get on his I.Q. test?

Drool.

2. 




   When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
   him keep her.


3. 




   One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a
   show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same
   sentence twice.
   
   First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father
   bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
   
   "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little
   Michael.
   
   "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully,"
   he said.
   
   "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
   
   "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she
   was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fuckin' beautiful!'"
   


4. 




In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the
middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the
delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern
and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the
lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern,
lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The Scot scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do
ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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