Today's jokes [1.18.14]
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A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her
bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter
playing with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" asked the Mom.
"Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get
married, so this is pretty much my husband."
The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.
The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and
upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What
the hell are you doing?!" he asked.
His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and
ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to
The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.
The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in
one hand and the vibrator sitting next to him, watching the football
"For Christ's sake, what are you doing?" she cried.
The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a
beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"
History of the United States
by David Hyatt
J. Walter Thompson, a huge ad agency, has a test for all wannabe
copywriters. They print it every few years as a full page ad in many
major newspapers. They call the campaign "Write if you want work."
My response to the question, "Write the history of the
United States in 100 words or less":
Creation. Evolution. Civilization. Exploration.
Colonization. Taxation. Representation? Declaration. Revolution.
Celebration. Constitutionalization. Election. Inauguration.
Succession. Institutionalization. Conflagration. Migration.
Plantation. Expansion. Destination Manifestation. Annexation.
Secession. Rebellion. Abolition. Emancipation Proclamation.
Assassination. Reconstruction. Industrialization. Assassination.
Invention. Transportation. Urbanization. Exploitation.
Stratification. Assassination. Unionization. Protection.
Regulation. Suffrage Extension. Balkanization. Destruction. League
of Nations. Prohibition. Immigration. Depression. Socialization.
Construction. Isolation. Deterioration. Penetration.
Fission-n-Fusion. Annihilation. Radiation. Polarization.
Militarization. Partition. Persecution. Automation. Failed
Invasion. Assassination. Investigation. Division. Demonstration.
Mind Alteration. Space Exploration. Bra Incineration. Obfuscation.
Resignation. Elation. Stupification. Abortion. Stagflation. Gas
Station. Computerization. Communication. Deregulation. Pollution.
Deforestation. Kinder, Gentler Nation. Reunification.
Reconciliation. Verification. Recession. Demarcation.
Obliteration. Glorification. Education?
Copyright 1992 David Hyatt -- don't rip it off if you're taking the
Whats the difference between pink and purple?
A homeless man walks into a diner with enough change for a cup of coffee.
Seated next to him at the counter, was a well-dressed man with a bowl of
chili in front of him. A few minutes later, finishing his cup of coffee,
the homeless man begins to notice that the stranger next to him is not
eating his chili, but rather just staring at it, looking confused and
disoriented. Not having eaten in two days, the homeless man asks the
stranger: "Sir, I'm cold and hungry and haven't eaten in days. If you're
not going to eat your chili, do you mind if I have it?" With little
acknowledgement, the stranger simply shoves the bowl in his direction.
Minutes later, the homeless man, having nearly finished the entire bowl of
chili, discovers, in the bottom of the bowl - a small pile of dog turds.
Immediately, the homeless man becomes sick and vomits the chili back into
the bowl. Finally, the stranger seated next to him turned to him and said
"I know how you feel, buddy. That's about as far as I got, too."
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish
and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned
over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned
for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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