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Today's jokes [1.12.14]

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                                The Cop Quiz
     
   
                               By -=ShoEboX=-
    (This article originally appeared in Putsch Electronic Magazine.)

        Are you ready to be pulled over?  Are you prepared to hand over
your license and registration in the middle of the night to a prejudiced
pig who doesn't like you or your Dead Kennedys bumper sticker?  Take this
simple quiz and find out!

        Listed below are several questions asked by a cop who has just
pulled you over.  Below the questions are several possible responses.
Choose the best response to each.  Check your answers at the end.

1.  Do you know why I'm pulling you over, son/maam?
    a.  No, sir.
    b.  Because you're lonely?
    c.  To ask me if I have any Grey Poupon?
    d.  Because I ran down that old lady in the wheelchair?
    e.  Because you wanted a donation to your police station?  (Handing him
        a fifty or two)
    f.  Because of the Stealth Bomber I have in tow?
    g.  Because I'm pedaling too fast?
    h.  Because I'm Ice-T?

2.  Can I see your license and registration?
    a.  Yes sir. (handing them over)
    b.  Can I see your high school diploma?  Oh, I forgot...you're a cop.
    c.  Wanna see pictures too?  (pulling a string of family photos out of
        your wallet) Here's my mommy, my daddy, my sister, my friend, my
        dog, my toilet, your mom bent over with a light bulb in her...oh,
        how did THAT picture get in here?
    d.  I don't have a license, and this car is stolen.
    e.  (pull it out and read it to him veeeery slowly, not ever handing
        it to him)

3.  Would you mind stepping out of the car?
    a.  Of course, sir.  (getting out)
    b.  What?  In this weather?
    c.  Are you kidding?  I'm too drunk to stand up!
    d.  First, repeat after me:  "I realize that you are not Rodney King."
    e.  This is a motorcycle, dumbass.

4.  Walk along this line.
    a.  Yes sir.  (walking the line)
    b.  No thanks...I just snorted one.
    c.  Duuuude...which one?  The wavy one, the colorful one, or the one
        in the middle that's laughing at me?
    d.  Are you sure you wouldn't rather I skip merrily in a figure eight?

5.  You call that a straight line?
    a.  Yes, sir.
    b.  Well, officer Pythagoras, the only way YOU could see a straight
        line is by looking at your own brain wave pattern!  (NOTE:  This is
        stolen from Emo Phillips)

6.  Do you want to spend the night in jail?
    a.  No sir.
    b.  What are they serving for dinner?
    c.  That depends.  Are YOU gonna be there, big fella?  (smiling
        seductively)
    d.  Do the cells have ESPN?
    e.  Sure!  I haven't seen your mom in months!

7.  Hey, that's my car!  Don't pee on that!
    a.  Yes, sir (zipping up)
    b.  Yes, sir (turning around and peeing on him)

SCORING
-------
Give yourself 13 points for each time you answered "a".
Give yourself 83 points if you answered "e" for #1.
Give yourself 346 points if you ignored #7 because it isn't going to happen.
Give yourself 8,425 points if you RECOGNIZED answer "b" of #5 from an Emo
        Phillips routine.
Give yourself 24,983 points if you skipped right over this scoring section.

Subtract your score from your score to get the IQ of an average racist LAPD
cop.
  


1. 




Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?

A mental hospital.

2. 




Will sell for parts one F-117 Plane in wrecked condition. Self pick-up 
from Yugoslavia by buyer

3. 




   Liz Taylor goes in to see her cosmetic surgeon. "I have met the man of
   my dreams, finally, the love of my life !" she announces to the
   surgeon, "But I need you to help me with a small problem. This man is
   only 18 years old, I am truly head over heels in love with him, and
   don't want to disappoint him in any way, so I want you to make my
   vagina look like that of an 18 year old."
   
   The surgeon tells Liz of the delicate situations involved with this
   operation, but does finally agree to performing the said operation.
   
   "But one thing" Liz says "you have to swear to me that no one knows
   about this operation, that no magazines or tabloids hear about it!"
   
   "I swear Liz" the surgeon replies.
   
   The big day arrives, Liz goes under the knife, the operation goes text
   book perfect and she is moved to a recovery room. Upon regaining
   consciousness, Liz's eyes focus on three huge floral arrangements at
   the foot of her bed. As the surgeon enters the room to check on her,
   Liz bursts into tears.
   
   "How could you do this to me !!! You swore that not a soul would hear
   of this operation!!! "
   
   "Now, now Liz, I didn't tell a soul. The first arrangement is from me.
   I've been your friend, as much as your surgeon for the past 10 years,
   I just wanted to make you feel good. The second arrangement is from
   the anesthesiologist, he's gay, he's one of your biggest fans, and I
   thought it was okay, since he's worked side by side with me on your
   operation."
   
   Liz's eyes gazed over to the third arrangement, pointing her finger
   ,"And who sent those?"
   
   "Oh yeah" the surgeon replied. "Those are from a guy in the burns
   unit, he wanted to thank you for his new ears".
   


4. 




Two elderly Southern women are sitting on the veranda sipping lemonade and 
reminiscing about old times.
One says to the other, "Darling, do you remember the minuet?"
The other replies, "Sweetheart, I can't even remember the ones I screwed!" 

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD




Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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