Today's jokes [9.6.13]
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A case for the Third Universal Cardinal Rule of Thumb: Never
be absolute, unless absolutely necessary:
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In
English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some
languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a
negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can
form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
An old sailing ship is becalmed at sea with a full complement of
sailors. They are stuck there for days and days with nothing to
One morning the captain decides he is going to lay on some
entertainment for the men.
He orders a barrel to be placed on the top deck. It has an
orifice in the side and he invites each one of the men to "take
the pleasures" of the barrel to their heart's content. Soon a full-
fledged hedonistic orgy is underway.
The men are cheerful once again and morale is boosted. Things
reach such a frenzy that even the captain's dog has a go. Once
the party is over and the barrel is full of the team's spirit, it is
bunged up and thrown overboard. The ship sails away.
A few days later the barrel comes ashore on the beach of a
deserted island in the middle of nowhere. The only inhabitants
of the island are the nuns who have founded their convent there.
The nuns find the barrel and open it. They don't recognize the
contents and take it to be wax, from which they fashion
Of course, nuns being nuns, they use the candles in the way
only nuns can.
Nine months later an inordinate number of babies appear
inexplicably on the island. One of the nuns is very guilty about
her sins and approaches the Mother Superior for confession.
"Forgive me, Mother. I have had a baby."
The Mother Superior says, "That's nothing, my child. I've had
Patient: Doctor I'm having trouble having sex with my wife. When I get
close enough to her, I get nauseous. When I insert, even an inch or two, I
get sick to my stomach.
Doctor: Hmmmm, that does sound serious. Let me see it.
Patient sticks out his tongue...
What's the difference between a ritz
cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!
Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her
obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My
husband wants me to ask you..."
"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her
shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late In
"No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if
I can still mow the lawn."
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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