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Today's jokes [9.6.13]

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   A case for the Third Universal Cardinal Rule of Thumb: Never
   be absolute, unless absolutely necessary:
   A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In
   English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some
   languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a
   negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can
   form a negative."
   A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."


An old sailing ship is becalmed at sea with a full complement of 
sailors. They are stuck there for days and days with nothing to 

One morning the captain decides he is going to lay on some 
entertainment for the men. 

He orders a barrel to be placed on the top deck. It has an 
orifice in the side and he invites each one of the men to "take 
the pleasures" of the barrel to their heart's content. Soon a full-
fledged hedonistic orgy is underway. 

The men are cheerful once again and morale is boosted. Things 
reach such a frenzy that even the captain's dog has a go. Once 
the party is over and the barrel is full of the team's spirit, it is 
bunged up and thrown overboard. The ship sails away. 

A few days later the barrel comes ashore on the beach of a 
deserted island in the middle of nowhere. The only inhabitants 
of the island are the nuns who have founded their convent there. 
The nuns find the barrel and open it. They don't recognize the 
contents and take it to be wax, from which they fashion 

Of course, nuns being nuns, they use the candles in the way 
only nuns can. 

Nine months later an inordinate number of babies appear 
inexplicably on the island. One of the nuns is very guilty about 
her sins and approaches the Mother Superior for confession. 

"Forgive me, Mother. I have had a baby." 

The Mother Superior says, "That's nothing, my child. I've had 


Patient: Doctor I'm having trouble having sex with my wife. When I get 
close enough to her, I get nauseous. When I insert, even an inch or two, I 
get sick to my stomach.
Doctor: Hmmmm, that does sound serious. Let me see it.
Patient sticks out his tongue...


What's the difference between a ritz
                             cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!


Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her
obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My
husband wants me to ask you..."
"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her
shoulder, "I get asked that all the time.  Sex is fine until late In
the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if
I can still mow the lawn."


BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD

Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

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