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Today's jokes [9.4.13]

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Mike Tyson gets out of jail and proceeds to do what he does best... find a 
woman with whom he may "commiserate". After a wild night of getting it on, 
it's time for the young lady to leave. As she's getting dressed, she and 
Mike are having a conversation. 

She says, "Lotsa guys want to know how it was. Well, I have good news and 
bad news for you. Which would you like first?" 

Mike thinks for a moment and says, "What the hell, give me the good news." 

She tells him, "The good news is that you're bigger than Magic Johnson."

1. 




HOW TO COOK A TURKEY!
(The Thanksgiving Special)

Step 1:Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) of JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turk

Sent by Alex

2. 




A few months ago I saw a newspaper clipping which told of a newspaper in
Illinois (I think...) which ran a story warning consumers that, on such-and-
such day, Illinois Bell would be "blowing the dust out of the phone lines" and
that all phone owners should cover the earpiece of their phones with a bag to
catch the dust.

Bell made them print a retraction, after receiving numerous calls asking
what sort of bag to use ...

People, they is amazing.



3. 




            The Missionary and the Chief

            A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how
            to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he
            is to return home.

            He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was
            how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in
            the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is
            a tree."

            The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary
            is pleased with the response.

            They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and
            says, "This is a rock."

            Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

            The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when
            he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he
            sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre
            is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

            The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and
            kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that
            he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and
            kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in
            cold blood that way?

            The chief replied, "My bike."



4. 




A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for
their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on
that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked
the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in
front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck
your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you
thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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