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Today's jokes [9.3.13]

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Why did Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley split up? 

     He wanted children and she didn't want to get a sex change. 

1. 




What's the difference between Bill Clinton, and the Titanic ??

It is known how many went down on the Titanic.



2. 




Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to
   forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was
   overwhelming.
   But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to
   reassure him, "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first
   doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last."
   But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality,
   "Howard. You're a veterinarian."


3. 




   There's a guy hitchiking along the highway, when along comes an
   18-wheeler. It pulls up, and comes to a grinding halt. The hitcher
   runs to the truck, reaches up, opens the door and jumps in. Inside the
   truck is the driver, and beside him is his pet monkey.
   
   "Great lookin' monkey, mate" said the hitcher.
   
   "Yeah, he's great company, and he looks after you as well. Take a look
   at this."
   
   Without further ado, the truckie winds up, and punches the monkey in
   the guts with all his might. The monkey dutifully bends down, unzips
   the truckie's fly, goes down and gets to work on the truckie at a
   vigorous pace. Once the captain of the Kenworth has unloaded his cargo
   all over the cabin, the monkey wipes him off, zips up his master's fly
   and sits back down in his seat in the cabin.
   
   "That's GREAT!!!" says the by now quite interested hitchiker. "Can I
   have a go??"
   
   The truckie looks across and replies, "Yeah sure, why not?"
   
   "There's only one thing though" says the hitcher.
   
   "What?"
   
   "There's no need to smack me in the guts so hard."
   


4. 




This guy and a blonde are making out feverishly in the front seat of
his car. After an hour or so, he whispers in her ear, "Do you want
to move to the back seat?"

She replies, "NO!" Flabbergasted, he says, "Why Not?"

To which she replies, "Well, I want to stay up here with you. It'd
be lonely back there!"

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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