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Today's jokes [9.29.13]

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She: "Do you think of me when you're away darling?"

He: "Yes honey, I always bare you in mind." 

1. 




                       Arkansas Governor Application
     
   
First name:___________________Last name(if known):_______________________
Address (where you live):
Mother's name(list also relation, i.e., sister):__________________
Birthdate(yours):____________________
Father's name (if known, if not, list two possible choices)______________
Color of neck: Light Red( ) Medium Red( ) Dark Red( ) No Neck( )

Year of pickup truck:____________ Do you have the following in your truck:
                                  Fuzzy Dice( )  Gun Rack( )  Coon Tail( )
                                  Filled ash tray( )  Used Condoms( )
                                  Dead Road Kill( ) Dog of Unknown Breed( )
Have you ever been to a large city? (Like Little Rock) Yes( ) No( )
How far can you throw cow pies?__________ Do you eat cow pies? Yes( ) No( )

Wife's name:__________________ Is she: Cousin( ) Neighbor( ) Sister( )
                                       Mother( ) Neighbor's dog( )
                                       Right hand( )
Does your wife weigh: Less than 200 Pounds( ) Less than 300 Pounds( )
                      Less than a 747( ) More than a 747( )
Do you know what a 747 is? Yes( ) No( )
How much smarter than you is your wife:
                50 IQ Points( )   75 IQ Points( )
                100 IQ Points( )  She Won't Tell Me( )
Does your wife wear:
                A Dress( )     Pants( )   Hot Pants( )
                Your Pants( )  Them Lawyer Clothes( )
                Nothing( )     Nothing but an Arkansas U Hog Head Hat( )
Color of wife's hair:  Blonde( )  Red( )  Brown( )  Black( )  Bald( )
Did you understand the previous questions:
                Yes( )   No( )   What does "previous" mean?( )
                Huh?( )  All of the Above( )

Have you ever had: Herpes( ) Jock Rot( ) The Drip( ) Roids( ) Zits( )
(Check all that    Smelly Feet( ) Toe Jam( ) Bad Breath( ) Tit Munge( )
 apply)            Ear Wax( ) Long Nasal Hairs( ) Brown Nose( )
Have you ever: Castrated a Pig( )  Been Castrated by a Pig( )
               Danced to Achey Breaky Heart( ) Had an Achey Breaky Heart( )
               Been Mistaken for Elvis( ) Had Fantasies about Toto( )
               Had Fantasies about Dorothy and Toto( )
               Had Fantasies about Gilligan( )
               Had Fantasies about Gilligan and the Skipper Too( )
               Inhaled( )
Where was your last Elvis sighting?________________ On what date?___________
Can you count past five: Yes( ) No( )  Past ten: Yes( ) No( )

Explain in ten words or less why on Earth you want to be Governor of Arkansas:


Signature (or 'X' if you can't write)________________________________
  


2. 




Thirty minutes before a plane landed, its cabin lights came on,
indicating to the flight attendants that breakfast could be served.
One of the passengers, upset because he was awakened, growled, "Who
turned on the fucking lights!"
"Oh, no sir," the nearest flight attendant replied. "Those are the 
breakfast lights. You slept through the 'fucking lights.'"

3. 




If Timex made toasters...
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters
that take a licking and keep on toasting.

4. 




A blind guy goes into a whore house. A girl takes him upstairs and starts 
giving him a blowjob.
He says to her, "Excuse me, aren't you Karen Carlton, and didn't you go to 
Cardozo High School in Detroit?"
"Yes. How'd you know?"
"I never forget a face." 


5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD




Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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