Today's jokes [9.28.13]
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How do you tell two KKK members apart?
Ask their wife. After all, she's their mother....
An old man and woman were married for years even though
they hated each other. When they had a confrontation,
screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A
constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the
man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the
grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible
for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He
was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral
had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to
the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her
neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are
you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who
practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig
his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for
the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig.
I had him buried upside down."
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor
comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms
or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises
him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes
him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad
orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar
patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in
disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso
pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The
father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "take another drink!" The bartender still shakes his
head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The
father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons
chant "take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches
down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs
pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father thanks God. The boy stands up
on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right....
right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs into
him and kills him.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender cleans
his glasses and whistles an old Irish tune. The father looks at the
bartender in disbelief and asks, "How can you be so cold and callous?"
The bartender says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."
The doctor looked benignly at the woman who had come to him for an
"Mrs. Brown," he said, "I have some good news for you."
The woman said, "I'm glad of that doctor, but I'm Miss Brown,"
"Miss Brown," said the doctor without changing expression, "I have bad
news for you."
Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer,
it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and
receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and
generally have a blast without doing anything remotely
related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits
that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to
talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by
your boss -and you *will* get caught - your best defence is
to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus
saving valuable training dollars.
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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