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Today's jokes [9.26.13]

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Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died. 

"You know, it's not your fault that the dog died. He's probably up in 
heaven right now, having a grand old time with God." 
Susie, still crying, said "What would God want with a dead dog?"

1. 




Q: What's the definition of virginity?
A: A big issue over a little tissue.

2. 




John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers. The voice
on the ot other end says, "This is Susan. We met a party
about 3 months ago."
John: "Hmm... Susan? about 3 months ago?"
Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took
me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You
told me I was a good sport."
John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"
Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."
John: "Say, you ARE a good sport."

3. 




A man goes into a bar and sits down to have a drink....he notices that
at the other end of the bar is the most attractive woman he has ever
seen....he is immediately lust-struck and decides that he must have
her....He leans over to the bartender and asks if the bartender has any
Spanish-fly in the back....the bartender says he will check and comes
back a couple of minutes later with a small packet of white powder....he
says to the man..."this isn't Spanish-fly, we are all out of that....but
this is just as good....this is Jewish-fly, and it is guaranteed to get
her over here within twenty minutes after she takes it!" so the man
forks over his $10 and asks the bartender to put the Jewish-fly into a
champagne cocktail and deliver it to the gorgeous creature with his
compliments.....

The woman drinks the champagne cocktail and looks at our hero rather
disinterestedly.....but about twenty minutes later she slinks off her
barstool....she saunters across the room toward our hero in a most
seductive manner....oozing sensuality....our hero is terrifically
excited....she reaches him and puts one lithe arm around his shoulders
and leans in close to his ear...he can feel her breath on his
neck....and she whispers "Hey big boy....want to go shopping?"

4. 




Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile 
cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under 
it, and leave them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries 
starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it! He 
says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat 
us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?" 

The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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