Today's jokes [9.24.13]
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Q: What would Princess Diana be doing right now if
she were alive today?
A: Scratching on the lid of her casket.
Selections From the Scholastic Aptitude Preparatory Test
1. Which of the following is the correct answer to this question?
a. b. c. d. e. none of the above
2. ingot:bleak :: ingot:_______
a. tepid b. gold c. oak d. bolonga e. bleak
3. pork:algae :: green:_______
a. six b. five c. ten d. marble e. red
4. mugger:park :: king:_______
a. castle b. burger c. queen d. Jacuzzi e. bleak
Read the following carefully and answer the questions below.
In addition to the obvious effects of solar activity on the upper
atmosphere, some scientists contend that it also affects the
weather. These contentions, however, are for the most part
unconfirmed and some are very dubious. Even further afield, a
British researcher on epidemiology claimed last year that "the
periods of world dominance of successive major subtypes of influenza
virus have synchronized closely with the periodicity of sunspots."
Correlatons of biomedical phenomenon with solar activity, such as
this one, are generally not taken seriously by most Western scintists.
Many researchers in the Soviet Union, however, do believe in such
possibilites, including even a correlation of sunspots with outbreaks
of plague-spreading rodents in central Asia.
1. In what lanuage is the British researcher speaking?
a. Japanese b. Urdu c. Bengali d. British e. Media
2. The term "most Western" means
a. Hawaii b. John Ford's longest film c. nothing d. correct
3. A conclusion that could be drawn from this passage is
a. Russian scientists are idiots and Russia is full of rats
b. The sun has sunspots
c. Don't ask a question of a British researcher if you want an answer
d. all of the above
1. Which of the following is a number?
a. blue b. Jacques Cousteau c. watermelon d. John Doe e. 5
2. If Juan is fourteen and weighs 150 pounds, and Grover is nine
and weighs 70 pounds, what is the probability that Juan can
get anything he wants from Grover?
a. 0% b. 100% c. a and b d. a only e. b only
3. Delbert McBumm wants to pawn a hundred-dollar watch. The
pawnbroker gives him eleven dollars for it and then sells it
for a hundred and twenty-five. What was the relative rate of
mark-up in the watch in relation to half of its worth, if the
worth is calculated at three-quarters the difference between
the pawnbrokers's offer and 78% of Delbert's assessment of the
a. 100 b. 50 c. 75 d. 115 e. none of the above
5. Calculate the shaded area 6/ \__/ \2
of the figure at the right. / 2 |
a. 0 b. 50% c. c only \ /\ |
d. the answer is a 9\ /7 \ |10
e. go back, it's a \/ 8\__|
6. Grant McSwine is a repairman. If he tells Mr. White that it
will take him about 10 hours to do a specific job, how long will
it really take him?
a. six weeks b. half an hour c. about three hundred dollars longer
d. not enough information because the type of repair is not indicated
In the following questions you are asked to compare two quantities.
These quantities may be equal, or one may be bigger, or neither.
On your answer sheet choose a if b is bigger, choose b if a and b
are equal, choose c if a is bigger, choose d if neither one is
bigger, choose e if both are bigger, choose f if the answer cannot
be determined from the information given, choose g if you have no
a. 2 b. 15
a. the area of a circle b. the area of a square
whose area is 10 whose area is 10
a. my dad b. your dad
a. New York City b. Limpid, Iowa
a. something b. nothing
a. a mountain b. a molehill
The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement
park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The
ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
"What would you like to do next?" he asked.
"I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man
took her over to the weight guesser.
"One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was
Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he
bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked
what else she would like to do.
"I wanna be weighed," she said.
I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought
the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a
headache, he took the girl home.
The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so
early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a
nice time tonight?"
"Wousy," said the girl.
Some beauty parlors do a great job.
One young man followed a young woman
for twenty blocks. Then he found out
it was his grandmother.
A man finally goes with his wife to church. The man was so impressed
with the preacher's sermon he stopped on the way out to shake his hand.
"Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a DAMNED fine sermon." The preacher
says "Why thank you sir, but we don't used profanity in the house of
The man says, "But preacher, that was the best DAMNED sermon I ever
heard." The preacher says again, "sir I must be blunt, DO NOT use
curse words in the Lords house again".
The man says "Well I was so impressed with your sermon that I
placed $1000 dollars in the collection plate".
The preacher says "NO SHIT"?
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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