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Today's jokes [9.21.13]

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A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm 
constipated."
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean 
over the table."
The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks 
him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the 
bathroom.
He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. 
What should I do?"
The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."

1. 




From one of Tom Clancy's books:
Commanding officer:  "Alright! How about an attitude check???" 
Crew (In Unison): "I HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE!" 

CO: "Now, let's be more positive..." 
Crew: "I POSITIVELY HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE!" 

CO: "OK, How about a negative attitde check..." 
Crew: "I DON'T LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE!" 

CO: "OK, How about a short attitude check ..?" 
Crew: "FUCK THIS PLACE!"

2. 




The sales girl at the Pink Pussycat boutique didn't bat
an eye when the customer purchased an artificial vagina.
"What are you going to use it for?" she asked. 
"None of your business," answered the customer, beet
red and throughly offended. 
"Calm down, buddy," soothed the salesgirl. " The only
reason I'm asking is that if it's food, we don't have
to charge you sales tax." 

3. 




So one sperm says to the other "When do we get to the ovaries?"

The other replies "Ovaries! We're not even past the throat yet!" 

4. 




How are lawyers like sperm? 

    One out of a million turns out to be a human being. 

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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