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Today's jokes [9.20.13]

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   Noon in the jungle.
   Under a tree a lion tries to sleep, when he hears strange laughing. He
   rises and strolls to the bushes where the laughter seems to come from.
   Behind the bush a group of elephant bulls is sitting in a circle and
   they are laughing their heads off.
   Lion: "Hey elephants, why are you laughing?"
   Elephant: "We are fucking some monkeys"
   Lion: "Well, I do that as well, but I don't see what's so funny about
   Elephant: "Because they don't burst when YOU cum."
   (Alternatively, Elephant: "Because they don't turn inside-out when YOU
   pull it out.") 


We've all heared that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters
will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare.  Now, thanks to
the internet, we know this is not true.


A Russian, an Italian and an Irishman got out of work and were deciding 
where to go for a drink.
The Irishman said "Let's all go to O'Learys. With every third round, the 
bartender will give each of us a free Guiness."
The Italian said "That sounds good, but if we go to Baldini's with every 
third round they bring a free bottle of wine to the table."
The Russian said "That sounds fine but if we go to Gouvstof's we drink for 
free all night and then go out into the parking lot and get laid."
"That sounds to good to be true!" the Irishman exclaimed. "Have you 
actually been there?"
"No," the Russian replied, "but my wife goes there all the time." 


Stress-Relieving Prayer


Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

And, help me to be careful
Of the toes I step on today as they
May be connected to the ass
That I might have to kiss tomorrow.



   A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty
   22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear,
   takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.
   A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "No
   one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can
   rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend
   over, and I'll do you in the ass."
   The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his
   trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do.
   After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and
   staggers back into town. He's pretty mad.
   He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same
   bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A
   moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says,
   "You know what to do."
   Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town,
   and buys a bazooka. Now he's really mad. He returns to the forest,
   sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks
   him flat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over
   him and says,
   "You're not doing this for the hunting, are you?"


BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD

Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

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