Today's jokes [9.20.13]
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Noon in the jungle.
Under a tree a lion tries to sleep, when he hears strange laughing. He
rises and strolls to the bushes where the laughter seems to come from.
Behind the bush a group of elephant bulls is sitting in a circle and
they are laughing their heads off.
Lion: "Hey elephants, why are you laughing?"
Elephant: "We are fucking some monkeys"
Lion: "Well, I do that as well, but I don't see what's so funny about
Elephant: "Because they don't burst when YOU cum."
(Alternatively, Elephant: "Because they don't turn inside-out when YOU
pull it out.")
We've all heared that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters
will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to
the internet, we know this is not true.
A Russian, an Italian and an Irishman got out of work and were deciding
where to go for a drink.
The Irishman said "Let's all go to O'Learys. With every third round, the
bartender will give each of us a free Guiness."
The Italian said "That sounds good, but if we go to Baldini's with every
third round they bring a free bottle of wine to the table."
The Russian said "That sounds fine but if we go to Gouvstof's we drink for
free all night and then go out into the parking lot and get laid."
"That sounds to good to be true!" the Irishman exclaimed. "Have you
actually been there?"
"No," the Russian replied, "but my wife goes there all the time."
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill today because they pissed me off.
And, help me to be careful
Of the toes I step on today as they
May be connected to the ass
That I might have to kiss tomorrow.
A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty
22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear,
takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.
A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "No
one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can
rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend
over, and I'll do you in the ass."
The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his
trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do.
After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and
staggers back into town. He's pretty mad.
He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same
bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A
moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says,
"You know what to do."
Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town,
and buys a bazooka. Now he's really mad. He returns to the forest,
sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks
him flat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over
him and says,
"You're not doing this for the hunting, are you?"
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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