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Today's jokes [9.16.13]

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Fred goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I want to be castrated." 
        Doc says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or
what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation." 
        Fred: "Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a little
embarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here.
Will you do it?" 
        Doc says, "Well, OK, I guess I could make this one exception. I 
don't understand it, but OK." 
        He puts Fred to sleep, does the trick, and is waiting at the
bedside when Fred wakes up.
        "Well, Doc, how'd it go?" Fred asks. 
        "It went fine, just fine. It's really not too difficult of an
operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple 
task, and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was 
operating, I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I went
ahead and did that, too. I think, it's really better for a man to be
circumcised, and I hope you don't mind my..." 
        "CIRCUMCISED!" yells Fred. "THAT'S the word!!!"

1. 




Steve complained to his friend Al that lovemaking with his wife was 
becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative buddy. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing 
doctor for an hour?"
"Sounds great," Steve replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?" 
"Hell, just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!"

2. 




   A Kentucky family took a vacation to New York City. For an adventure,
   the father took his son to see a skyscraper. They were amazed by
   everything they saw -- especially the elevator at one end of the
   lobby.
   
   The boy asked, "What's that there, Paw?"
   
   The father responded, "Well, Son, I reckon I never did see nothing
   like this in my entire life. I got no derned idea what it is!"
   
   While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment,
   an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed
   a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a
   small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small
   circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch
   the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again,
   and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.
   
   The father turned to his son and said, "Go git your Maw."
   


3. 




A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife
in bed with another man.
"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world." 
"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what
if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with
your wife?" 
The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane
and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass." 

4. 




   A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the
   checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Your husband is
   suffering from severe, long-term stress and it's affecting his
   cardiovascular system. He's a good candidate for either a heart attack
   or a stroke. If you don't do the following four things, your husband
   will surely die".
   
   "First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to
   work in a good mood."
   
   "Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him
   in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work."
   
   "Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him
   with household chores."
   
   "Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress,
   have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim in
   bed."
   
   On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked,
   "So, I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. What
   did he tell you?"
   
   "You're going to die," she replied.
   


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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