Today's jokes [8.9.13]
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A man takes his 10 year old daughter to the doctor.
He says "Doctor, I want to put her on the pill."
The Doctor says "Why?!? Is she sexually active?"
The guy says "Nah, she just lies there like her mother."
Sent by soh
"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned
his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"
"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."
The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"
"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "I'm always first out
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for
unnatural connubial practices?"
"Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about
Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are
what grounds you have."
"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."
"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation,
"you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you
seeking this divorce?"
"Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an
WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburettor? That's ridiculous."
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburettor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburettor is. I'll check it out.
Where's the car?"
WIFE: "In the pool."
Dec. 8 5:00 p.m. - It's starting to snow, the first of
the season, and the wife and I took our buttered rum and sat
by the window watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging
to the trees and covering the ground. It was so beautiful.
Dec. 9 - We awoke to a big beautiful blanket of crystal
white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight.
Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantel.
I shoveled snow for the first time in years, and I loved it.
I did both our driveway and our sidewalks. Later the
snowplow came along and covered up our driveway with
compacted snow from the street. He smiled and I waved back.
I shoveled it again.
Dec. 12 - The sun has melted most of our lovely snow. Oh
well, I'm sure we'll get a little more before this lovely
winter is over.
Dec. 14 - It snowed 8 inches last night and the temperature
dropped to about 0 degrees. Shoveled the sidewalk and
driveway again. Shortly the snowplow came by and did his
Dec. 15 - Sold our car and bought a 4x4 Blazer so we could
get through the snow. Bought snow tires for the truck.
Dec. 18 - Fell on my Ass on the ice in the driveway. $23.00
to the chiropractor, but nothing was broken, thank God! The
damn sky is getting dark again.
Dec. 19 - Still cold (-10 this a.m.) Icy roads making for
very tough driving. Slid into a guard rail with my wife's
car. Probably a $100.00 damage or so. She's pissed-off.
Dec. 20 - Had another 14 inches of the white shit last
night. More shoveling in store for me today. That damned
snowplow came by twice.
Dec. 22 - We are assured of a white Christmas because
another 7 inches of that white shit fell today and with this
freezing weather it won't melt till August! Got all dressed
up to go out and shovel that shit again. (Boots, snowsuit,
jacket, scarf, earmuffs, gloves, etc...) then got the urge to
Dec 24 - If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives
that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls.
I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to
finish shovelling and then comes down the street 100 miles
an hour and throws that white shit everywhere.
Dec. 25 - MERRY CHRISTMAS... they predict 12 more inches of
the fucking white stuff tonight. Does anyone know how many
damned shovels full of snow 12 inches is? To hell with
Santa, he doesn't have to shovel that white shit. The
snowplow driver came by asking for a donation. I hit him
with my ice axe.
Dec. 28 - We got 11 more inches. I must be going snowblind
or have a severe case of depression.
Dec. 29 - The toilet froze and the roof is starting to
cave-in. If you go outside, don't eat the brown snow.
Dec. 30 - I torched the damned house ... moving back to
What's a man's idea of foreplay?
-A half-hour of begging.
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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