Today's Jokes  |  Archives  |  Lists  |  Random  |  Register  |  RandJoke on Your Page  
 


Today's jokes [8.7.13]

Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes. Also, links to joke categories and "Email Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.


What is New Jersey's state bird?


                    The common House Fly.

1. 




The teacher walked into the classroom to find words like "cunt" and "cock" 
scrawled all over the blackboard. "Children," she said, addressing the 
classroom, "you are much too young to use vile language like that. Now 
we're all going to close our eyes and count up to fifty. Then, while our 
eyes are closed, I want the little boy or girl who wrote those words on 
the board to tiptoe up and erase them." At the signal, the teacher and the 
children all closed their eyes. Then the teacher counted out loud, very 
slowly. When she reached fifty, she said, "All right. Everybody open their 
eyes." All eyes went to the blackboard. None of the words were erased. But 
below them was the message: "Fuck you, teacher! The Phantom strikes 
again!"

2. 




One day a housewife was going about the usual business of cleaning the 
house, when she suddenly felt intensely horny. Unfortunately, her husband 
was still at work, so she resorted to stripping off all her clothes and 
started to masturbate.
She got very excited, rubbing herself and moaning, and when her husband 
walked in, she was writhing in the middle of the living room floor.
He glanced through the mail and said to his wife, "Honey, when you're 
finished vacuuming the floor, could you get started on dinner?"

3. 




One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be 
judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he 
could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and 
God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the 
only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 
pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and 
enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an 
eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, 
pretending to be happy.

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. 
Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. 
When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, 
and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and 
scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more 
then you did." They both shook their heads in understanding 
and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, 
they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking 
along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could 
have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this 
man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / 
centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and 
in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with 
this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these 
god-awful women.

Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. 
This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm 
dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope 
for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem 
to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and 
murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes!"

4. 




Dear Abby:

My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated 
our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and 
supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue. 
He is a hard worker but many of his coworkers are leery of him.  Every 
time he gets caught, he denies it all. Then he admits that he was wrong 
and begs me to forgive him.
This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat.
I don't know what to do.

Signed
Frustrated                                                  

----------------

Dear Frustrated:                                            

You should dump him.  Now that you are finally a New York Senator, you 
don't need him anymore.

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD




Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.

But wait! Don't forget to read

Today's Stories
Today's Poems
Today's Quotes
Today's Funny Pic

 August '13 Jokes Issues:
S  M  T  W  Th F  St
            1  2  3  
4  5  6  7  8  9  10 
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 
18 19 20 21 22 23 24 
25 26 27 28 29 30 31 

Jump to  



For any questions or comments email us at info@jokes2go.com
Copyright© SpekGY, Inc, 1998-2016. All rights reserved.