Today's jokes [8.7.13]
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What is New Jersey's state bird?
The common House Fly.
The teacher walked into the classroom to find words like "cunt" and "cock"
scrawled all over the blackboard. "Children," she said, addressing the
classroom, "you are much too young to use vile language like that. Now
we're all going to close our eyes and count up to fifty. Then, while our
eyes are closed, I want the little boy or girl who wrote those words on
the board to tiptoe up and erase them." At the signal, the teacher and the
children all closed their eyes. Then the teacher counted out loud, very
slowly. When she reached fifty, she said, "All right. Everybody open their
eyes." All eyes went to the blackboard. None of the words were erased. But
below them was the message: "Fuck you, teacher! The Phantom strikes
One day a housewife was going about the usual business of cleaning the
house, when she suddenly felt intensely horny. Unfortunately, her husband
was still at work, so she resorted to stripping off all her clothes and
started to masturbate.
She got very excited, rubbing herself and moaning, and when her husband
walked in, she was writhing in the middle of the living room floor.
He glanced through the mail and said to his wife, "Honey, when you're
finished vacuuming the floor, could you get started on dinner?"
One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be
judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he
could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and
God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the
only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500
pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and
enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an
eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman,
pretending to be happy.
As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead.
Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with.
When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on,
and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and
scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more
then you did." They both shook their heads in understanding
and figured that as long as they have to be with these women,
they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.
Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking
along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could
have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this
man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel /
centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and
in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with
this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these
Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining.
This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm
dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope
for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem
to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and
murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes!"
My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated
our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and
supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue.
He is a hard worker but many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every
time he gets caught, he denies it all. Then he admits that he was wrong
and begs me to forgive him.
This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat.
I don't know what to do.
You should dump him. Now that you are finally a New York Senator, you
don't need him anymore.
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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