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Today's jokes [8.31.13]

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A Chinese man is making love to his wife.  He whispers in her ear,
"Baby, I wanna' 69!"

She gives him a strange look and replies, 
"You want Beef and Broccoli NOW?"

1. 




   A sailor walks into a bar. The bartender immediately notices that this
   is a pretty well built
   guy but he has the tiniest little pinhead. After serving the sailor a
   couple of drinks,
   curiosity finally gets the best of the bartender and he asks the
   sailor why he had a normal
   sized body with such a tiny head. The sailor tells him this story: "I
   was involved in a naval
   battle where I was the only survivor. I was stranded on a deserted
   island in the middle of
   the ocean for months, when I happened across a mermaid while I was
   walking on the
   beach." She was on the beach and couldn't get back in the water so I
   helped her get back
   to the ocean, she was so grateful she granted me three wishes. I first
   asked to be rescued
   off that god forsaken island. She told me that it was no problem, that
   the rescue ship was
   on the way, and that I still had two more wishes." "Next I asked for a
   never ending roll of
   twenty dollar bills." Then the sailor reached into his pocket and kept
   pulling out 20s and
   putting them on the bar. "Finally I said to her, 'I've been on this
   island for quite some time
   without a woman and I'm quite horny, She said "as you can see from the
   waist down I'm a
   fish so I'm sorry but I can't help you there." "Well I thought about
   it for a minute and said
   OK, how about a little head.
   


2. 




Partial Dosage

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the
pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How
many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex
anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough 
so I don't pee on my shoes."

3. 




Her teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of 
balancing his new checking account.  "The bank returned the 
check you wrote to the sporting goods store," she said.

"Oh good," he said, "Now I can use it to buy some stereo
equipment!"

4. 




    Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney
   and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For
   her birthday, I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring.
   This way, if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me
   because she got a diamond ring."
   As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife's
   birthday, I'm going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet.
   This way, if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because
   she got the gold bracelet."
   As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "I'm going to
   buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn't like
   the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!"


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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