Today's jokes [8.29.13]

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Q: How do you tell if an Arkansas girl is old enough to marry? 

A: Make her stand in a barrel. If her chin is over the top, she's old enough.
If it isn't, cut the barrel down a bit. 

How do you get 20 vice presidents in a mini-van?

Promote one and watch the other 19 crawl up his ass.

Q. Whats long, hard and full of semen??

A. A submarine.

Sent by sam

   An elderly couple walk into a doctor's office. The man tells the
   doctor, "Doctor, we want
   to have a baby." The doctor replies,"At your age I don't think it's
   possible, but I'll give
   you a jar, come back in a few days with a sperm sample." So the couple
   comes back a few
   days later.They give the doctor an empty jar. The doctor says,"I was
   afraid of this." The
   old man says,"No, it's not what you think. I tried it with my left
   hand. I tried it with my
   right hand. She tried it with her left hand. She tried it with her
   right hand. She tried it with
   her teeth in. She tried it with her teeth out. But we couldn't get the
   lid off the jar."
   

   A wish for Christmas

   It is around christmas time and santa is sitting in the middle of the
   mall in his big holiday setup.He has a line of kids lined up to sit on
   his lap and tell him what they want for christmas. As the line
   dwindles down; a little 5 year old boy comes up and sits on santas
   lap. Santa says to the little boy"I bet I know what you want for
   christmas". "I bet
   you want a puppy, P-U-P-P-Y"; touching the tip of the little boys nose
   with his finger after every letter of the word. The little boy
   responds"Nope".
   So santa again says"Then I bet you want a bike,B-I-K-E"; as he again
   touched the tip of the little boys nose with his finger. The little
   boy again said"Nope".
   Well santa's starting to get a little pissed off. So he thinks to
   himself that he'll try one more time. So he says to the little boy"I
   bet you want a fire engine,F-I-R-E-E-N-G-I-N-E"; once again touching
   the tip of the little boys nose with his finger after every letter of
   the word. Where to the little responds"Nope".
   Well at this time santa's really pissed off. So he says to the little
   boy "Then what the fuck do you want for christmas"?
   The little boy then looked at santa and said"I want some pussy,
   P-U-S-S-Y; and don't fucking tell me that you can't give me any
   because I can smell it on your finger"!

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