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Today's jokes [8.26.13]

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I walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar the other night and 
said, "Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?"

She said, "Do you like sex?"

I said, "Of course I like sex."

She said, "Do you like to travel?"

I said, "Yeah, I love to travel."

She said, "Then fuck off."

1. 




The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through one of the many
canyons when suddenly rising from the hill on their right are hundreds of
indians. They start to spur their horse forward when they realised that there
are hundreds of indians ahead of them.  Wheeling to the left they, once
again, see hundreds of indians rising from the hill.  They begin to back away
in the direction from which they had come and they realise, they were
surrounded.  The indians had spread out.  They were trapped.  

The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto, his life long friend, and says "Tonto,
my firend, I think I must say that I have treasured our times together
but now I think we are doomed".

" We?" replied Tonto "What's all this we, Paleface?"

2. 




What's the definition of a real loser?

A guy who has a wet dream and gets HIV.

3. 




Q: Why should we feel bad for the gay homeless population?

A: None of them have closets to come out of.

4. 




What Not to Name Your Dog

Everybody has a dog called Rover or Spot. I call my dog "Sex". When I went to city hall to 
buy a licence I told the clerk I wanted a licence for Sex. He said "I'd like one too." But 
then I said "This is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said "You 
don't understand I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said "You must have been quite 
a kid." When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel 
clerk that I wanted a room for my wife, me and a special room for Sex. He said that every 
room in the place was for sex. I said "You don't understand Sex keeps me awake at night." The 
clerk said "Me too." One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, 
the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. 
I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold my own 
tickets. "But you don't understand," I said. I hoped to have Sex on T.V. He called me a show 
off.

When my wife and I seperated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your 
honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said "Me too." Then I told him that after I 
was married Sex left. He said "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me 
and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said I'm looking 
for Sex. My case comes up Friday. 


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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