Today's jokes [8.25.13]
Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes.
Also, links to joke categories and "Email Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.
You Can Never Really Go Back
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were
sitting at the
breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his wife,
"Just think, honey,
we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Fifty years ago this very day, we were sitting
here at this breakfast
"Hmmm," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as
jaybirds fifty years
ago this morning."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we?" Whereupon the
to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
nipples are as hot for you
now as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and
the other one's in
What's the difference between Christopher Reeves and OJ Simpson?
Christopher Reeves got the electric chair!....and O.J walked!
A famous surgeon went on a safari in Africa. When he came back, his
colleagues asked him how it had been. "Oh, it was very disappointing,"
he said. "I didn't kill a thing. I'd have been better off staying here
in the hospital."
Eugene d'Albert (noted German composer) was married six
times. At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife
shortly after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who
said politely, "Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely
introduced me to so charming a wife."
During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet
luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a
second helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?"
"Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for
white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely.
The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from her
guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged
if you would pin this on your white meat."
Sentenced to two years hard labor (for Sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood
handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If this
is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked," she
doesn't deserve to have any."
James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in
his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in
later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major
German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained,
"Only one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then
added, "And he didn't understand me."
Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly
pointed out of the car window and said, " That is the most frightening
sight I have ever seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing
more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his
hand on the child's shoulder. "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock,
leaning out of the car. "Run for your life!"
Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate,
got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular story
circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by
his wife crying, "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house."
"No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate maybe,
but not in the House."
Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in vain
to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained
unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In
the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US
Government -- $40,000."
Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her
what disguise she would recommend for him. She said, "Why don't you
come sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"
A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got
home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting
with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after
which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.
At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the
vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.
"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"
"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of
cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I
can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"
There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then
patiently replied "Open the window and tell them they're wanted
on the phone"
"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that will that stop them?"
"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.
Today's StoriesToday's PoemsToday's QuotesToday's Funny Pic
S M T W Th F St
1 2 3
4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17
18 19 20 21 22 23 24
25 26 27 28 29 30 31