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Today's jokes [8.22.13]

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                          Democrats V. Republicans
                         What it all boils down to
ISSUE           | DEMOCRATS             | REPUBLICANS
criminals       | Give them a second    | Give them the swift
                | chance                | sword of death
the poor        | Give them some food   | Give them the swift
                |                       | sword of death
endangered      | give them protection  | Give them the swift
species         |                       | sword of death
dictators       | give them a way out   | Give them the swift
                |                       | sword of death
the uninsured   | Give them some        | Given them the swift
                | health care           | sword of death
the cost        | $9,000,000,000,       | $29.95
                |    000,000,000        | (cost of one sword)


Two goldfish are in a tank.
One said to the other:

'Do you know how to drive this thing?'

Sent by Claire


A blonde came running home to her mother, sobbing and hysterical.
"What's wrong?" her mum, (another blonde) asked.
"My boyfriend's just dropped me!" wailed the blonde.
Her mother nodded wisely and started to tell her all about the birds and 
the bees.
"No mum," the blonde interrupted. "You don't understand - I can fuck and 
suck with the best of them, but he says I can't cook!"


Q. What's worse than finding a worm in the apple you're eating?

A. Finding half a worm.


Humor story by Larry Graves



A few years ago, I had two operations in the space of a couple of 

months. These were not major operations. Although for most men, I 

believe they would prefer triple heart bypass surgery instead... No man 

alive has ever looked forward to either of these operations. In fact, I can 

guarantee you the following statements have never been said by any 

man in existence:

 #1    "Oh good, today is my vasectomy!"

 #2    "Oh good, I'm finally getting the circumcision I've always wanted!"

Yes, dear readers, 1990 was not a good year for a member of the family. 

My member, my private part, my willy, my manhood, my good luck charm 

I carry wherever I go.

First I will tell you about the vasectomy. (I hope you have strong 

stomachs.) Men who know I've had this delicate operation always ask 

me how bad it is. I tell them the truth. Except for the unbearable pain and 

embarrassment, it's not bad at all. The embarrassment of laying on the 

operating table as the doctor strolls in, so cocksure. (Pun very much 

intended...) Let's just say,it was very uncomfortable when the doctor 

lifted up the blanket to look at his next job. Very perturbed, he stated "Mr. 

Graves, in order to have a vasectomy, you have to have a penis." I 

assured the doctor that it was there. I pointed to the very spot it was 

located. The doctor sighed heavily and murmured "I can't see dick all!" 

As the doctor tried to control his anger, he asked his nurse to bring in a 

microscope. After searching for a few minutes, he located what he 

believed to be my manhood (okay, boyhood...) I could be imagining 

things but I swear I heard some discussion about contacting the 

Guinness Book of World Records. 

The operation honestly wasn't too bad. It was actually the constant
laughter during the operation which caused me the most pain. When the 

vasectomy was completed, I was thrown a couple of pain killers and told 

I could go home. Very gingerly I walked out of the hospital. My legs 

spread apart as far as possible as I shuffled towards the parking lot. 

Needless to say, everyone who saw me knew what operation I had just 

had. As people gawked and pointed at me, I felt like a real dick. 

The circumcision was basically the same, except I was knocked out for 

the operation. When I awoke from the operation, I felt like I was  being 

woken up from the dead. I looked down at "it" and noticed it was in 

some kind of cast. I started to have visions of girls wanting to sign my 

cast. Silly dreamer I am... Being the comedian I am, I asked the nurse if 

they had enlarged it for me. She stared at me in shock and said "I don't 

think so."

                                    Another dream shattered...

sent by Larry Graves



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD

Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

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