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Today's jokes [8.19.13]

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   by Matt Groening
   When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
   her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are
   Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble
   letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday
   night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined
   my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a
   floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us."
   This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, and
   99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges
   that offer courses to help men get over this need.
   Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
   foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the
   Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can
   function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading
   baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This
   is why high school romances rarely work out.
   Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's
   magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because
   the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body
   is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.
   Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most
   naked men elicit laughter from women.
   To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
   chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they
   dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously
   large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a
   note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a
   smiley face at the end of the note!!!
   A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream,
   razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The
   average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.
   A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
   A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the
   store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left
   in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery
   shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man
   reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the
   Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not
   stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
   Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
   looking, men kick cats.
   Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
   of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about
   eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally
   out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a
   U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men
   always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a
   myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
   Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the
   telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can
   visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she
   will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
   Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
   Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy
   who works at the health club and dates only married women.
   Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
   In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football,
   and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football
   nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories
   about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker-sex. And not
   in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and
   technical, and they never lie.
   Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.
   This is because every movie in the history of movies has been
   produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in
   the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
   When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes,
   she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football
   game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time
   outs, commercials, or replays.
   Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's
   night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass
   the Doritos or Got any more beer?"
   Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use
   restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak
   a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom
   giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the
   world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying,
   "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"


    Computer Ease!

   The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration
   for the planned Windows 2000:
   1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
   2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
   3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
   4. Press any key except ... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
   5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
   6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
   7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
   8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another
   9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
   10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log
   11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
   12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
   13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
   14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Reboot Washington D. C? (Y/N)
   15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
   16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
   17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
   18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
   19. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
   20. User Error: Replace user.
   21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
   22. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
   23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and
   all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
   24. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles
   have been deleted. The police are on the way.


A man eating at restaurant says to his waiter, 
'waiter, there's a fly in my soup!' 
The waiter replies, 'That, sir, is entirely 
possible, you see our cook used to be a tailor.'


What's the difference between men and women?

Women must play hard to get; men must get hard to play!


A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He 
stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely 
drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so 
he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way 
up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear 
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty 
pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken 
glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he 
didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, 
he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure 
enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired 
the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, 
and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good 
story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you 
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered 
last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this 
morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."


BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD

Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

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