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Today's jokes [8.18.13]

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 A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.  The little 
 boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa,
 I  bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

 The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't.  It's too
 wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

 The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair
 spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.  Then
 he puts the worm back into the hole.

 The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and 
 runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and 
 hands the little boy another five dollars.

 The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

 The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

+------------------------------------------------------------------------
 On their first night together, the newly weds decided to set up signals
 concerning their "urges".

 The lady said "If you want it, squeeze my BOOB once, if you don't want it,
 squeeze my BOOB twice."

 The gent said "OK, if you want it, pull my DONG once, if you don't want it,
 pull my DONG 48 times."


1. 




Two guys go hunting.  Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has
hunted all his life.

When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to
sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. 
After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a
blood-curdling scream.

He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be
quiet!"

Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did.  When those snakes crawled
over me, I didn't make a sound.  When that bear was breathing down
my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled
up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them
here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"

2. 




DRINKING SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent 
light strip across it. 
FAULT: You have fallen over backward. 
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, 
stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; latch self to bar. 
  
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts. 
FAULT: You have fallen forward. 
ACTION: See above. 

3. 




   Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their
   work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate
   on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
   
   The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on.
   You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
   
   The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up
   and everything inside is color-coded."
   
   The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless
   spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are
   interchangeable."
   


4. 




 buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are
mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great
doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband
and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of
tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S
MOVING!!!!!"

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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