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Today's jokes [8.17.13]

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The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the Condo of their
   dreams, but right next door to a very sexy fashion model. The husband
   had taken to borrowing this or that from their neighbor and it seemed
   to the wife that it always took him way too long to return.
   
   One time the wife had had enuff and actually pounded on the wall
   between the two apartments. There being no response she telephoned,
   only to get the answering machine. Finally she went to the model's
   door and just kept ringing the bell.
   
   When the model answered, the wife fumed,"I would like to know why it
   is my husband takes so damn long to get something over here."
   
   "Well sweetie," the model purred, "all these interruptions sure ain't
   helping none either."


1. 




Temperatures and What They Mean



     40     Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming.

     35     Italian cars don't start.

     32     Water freezes.
 
     30     You can see your breath.  Politicians begin to worry about the
            Homeless.

     25     Boston water freezes.
            Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you.

     20     Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream.
            You can hear your breath.

     15     N.Y. City water freezes.
            Politicians begin to talk aobut the homeless.

     12     You plan a vacation to Mexico.

     10     Too cold to snow

      5     You need jumper cables to get the car going.
            Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.

      3     You plan a vacation in Houston.

      0     Too cold to skate.
            American cars don't start.

     -5     You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.

    -10     Too cold to think.
            Politicians actually do something about the homeless.

    -15     Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you.
            You need jumper cables to get the driver going.

    -20     You plan a 2-week hot bath.

    -25     The mighty Monongahela freezes.
            Japanese cars don't start.

    -30     Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button...

    Below -30     The kids call home from college.
                  
                  End of the world...



2. 




English: This is your Captain speaking, we have leveled off and are 
cruising at flight level three five zero, feel free to move about the 
cabin, also the First Officer has turned off the no smoking sign, the 
flight attendants will be serving cocktails and refreshments momentarily, 
so just sit back and enjoy the rest of the flight, we'll be arriving at
our destination in 20 minutes, and I expect no delays. Enjoy the rest of 
your flight. 

Ebonics: Ebonia Airlines Dis be yo' main man, we be chillin at tray-five 
-o, if you be flexin get up off yo ass and shake that thang, my homey be 
killin the man's opression if you wanna smoke chronic, just hang loose 
blood, them bitches be cruizin on up with some forty-ounce 8-ball, so stop 
trippin and sit your ass back down, we be in the hood in no time afterall, 
i be bumpin switches all da' way. Peace out!

3. 




Two men were boasting to each other about their old army 
days. "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that 
when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, 
click."

"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company 
presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."

"What was the jingle?" asked the first. 

"Oh," replied the other off hand, "just our medals."

4. 




   Two men are talking. The first sez, "I got married because I was tired
   of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry and wearing
   shabby clothes."
   
   "Amazing," said the second, "I just got divorced for the very same
   reasons."


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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